Gratitude

Today I'm grateful for:

Taking the day off from work and spending the entire day at the mall of America going on rides and spending time with Lily. Watching her laugh and saying "I'm so excited" when i told her that I could go on the balloon ride with her.

An evening spent at my sisters celebrating my nieces 31st birthday. Lily was so happy to be around my family. I loved watching my nephew pick her up and tickle her. It's wonderful to see the love others have for your daughter.

Grateful that tomorrow is picture day at Lily's preschool and I have a flexible enough job that I get to be a volunteer!

I truly felt present and happy today. Not rushed or anxious but peaceful and grateful for this day with my daughter.

Grateful and thankful for this day of rides, dipping dots, macaroni and cheese, handmade name bracelets, blues clues tattoos and lots and lots of hugs and kisses.

Thank you.

Easter 2011

This week was sort of a scramble and I was a little disappointed that I didn't get more Eastery things done - like buy an Easter Lily or put up little Easter decorations. I really don't have those little Easter figurines and haven't made a huge effort to buy them, mainly because I lack display space. Plus, we were out of town all last week in Chicago and didn't get home until Friday.

I did manager to dye eggs, wrap presents, prepare 3 baskets (one for my Lily, one for my god-daughter and one for my brother's/girlfriend's daughter. For Easter this year we really jazzed things up and went Italian. We decided to go to Buca instead of the typical brunch place - which was a big issue for my family whose use to ham. Trust me, the complaints are still coming in. My mom ended the meal by saying "I forgot it's Easter with all this Italian food". But we enjoyed ourselves anyway and my brother and his girlfriend liked the food too so we weren't the only ones.
The morning started with an Easter egg hunt and a hunt for Lily's Easter basket. She left the Easter bunny two cookies, a carrot and orange juice as a snack. Yesterday, we also went to an Easter egg hunt outside where we actually met the Easter bunny. Very exciting! The Easter brought Lily a yellow pail with her name on it, a spongebob umbrella, a few crafts, a Tangled/Rupunzle doll and more chocolate and candy that my little 31lb flower will ever be able to eat. After the egg hunt - we got ready and went to church for a lovely service. Lily was so well behaved even though it got a little long. Then we headed to Buca. My mom bought Lily and Echo each their own little mailbox with their names on it filled with candy. They chased each other around the tables and had so much fun together. Makes me wish she had a sister or a brother. She did ask me last week if we could buy a baby, a real baby - she made the distinction. Then my brother and his girlfriend and Echo came over for girls to play and we had some cake. My mom bought a bunny cake for all of us to enjoy. They stayed until about 7.

It was a great Easter. I'm so thankful for my family and my beautiful daughter!

Testing 1-2-3 is this thing on?

Every time I get back into blogging I need to redecorate my house - well my blog house. Like it? Blogger has so many designs to choose from. Back when I started blogging there were like 3 templates. Now there are hundreds. Whenever I'm given too many options, I get numb and overwhelmed and confused. I think this template that I've chosen is simple enough to convey what this blog is about. Essentially it's about me writing about my life in the suburbs with my family. Exciting huh?

As of today here is what's happening in my world:

* About to turn 40 in less than 60 days. Scheduling a panic attack for May 1st. Stay tuned.
* Trying to add to our family. It's not going that well.
* Husband unemployed for over a year. Good times.
* 3 year old daughter is highlight of every day. XOXO.
* I love to cook and have a new cooking blog so check that out if you're bored with this one. I'm all about variety over here.

Something new

In case I have any readers out there, I thought I'd tell you about my new blog. It's a cooking blog. Come visit!
http://www.dinnertime.typepad.com

I'll be back here blogging very soon.
Love,

Kate

Getting Organized

My Lily turned 2 last month and I'm already noticing a lot of changes with this milestone. Mainly with myself. I get to sleep a lot later. This morning I slept in until 8! I have more time to myself since she's become more independent and has fallen hopelessly in love with Dora. Whenever I need to get some things done with work or do dishes or laundry, I can plop her down in front of the TV and she'll be amused for 20 minutes. It's not my favorite thing to do but it is nice to have a few breaks, for both of us. I try to limit her to 3, 20 minute shows a day. So with these changes I finally feel like I'm ready to start taking care of myself again i.e. eating better, losing weight, exercising, and BLOGGING. Blogging has always been my therapy but it is something I've gotten away (far away) from. My last blog post was almost one year ago. I'm not going to turn this entry into one big recap about what I've been doing all year. Needless to say, I've been busy. I'm just going to start from here and hope I have a few readers out there or maybe I'll get a few new ones.

For the past two years, I've been utterly consumed with taking care of my daughter and stopped taking care of myself or even caring about myself. It really is a challenge as a mother and wife to devout some time to yourself. There are so many things I need to do in a day, plus I have a full time job. I can see that the process of losing yourself in your family life happens slowly over time. In fact, I hardly noticed it until a few weeks ago. Partly it was because I was so tired and at the end of the day I just wanted to go to bed. I cook a lot and with that comes a lot of dishes. About two weeks ago I informed my husband that I would be cooking less...for him. I will continue to cook healthy, home made (mostly), organic food for our daughter but when it comes to him, a few nights a week he's on his own. As much as I'd like to say that Lily eats what we eat, that doesn't always happen and I end up making something for her, something for us and a big mess for me to clean up and no time for myself. So that's one change. The other change is I joined weight watchers two weeks ago and I'm down 3.6lbs. We're going to Florida in the middle of February and I would love to lose 10lbs before that. My goal is to lose 30lbs. I'm also trying to keep my house cleaner (now that I've got a little helper) and try and teach Lily to pick up after herself, keep the laundry and dishes clean and just get into the overall habit of keeping things tidy. It's amazing how much better you feel with a clean house and when things are organized. Some of the other changes are: drinking less wine, going to church and thinking more about God and being a good person (stop gossiping and focusing on negative people and energy), and working out. I'm trying to keep my goals realistic and I'm starting small but this is the first time in a long time that I'm actually even thinking about myself. I see how Lily copies things I do and say I want to be a good role model for her. I know that if I take care of myself she will see that and learn to take care of herself.

Oh and I plan on taking a lot more baths.....

Settled

There is something to be said about being a homeowner. I feel settled in a way that I haven't felt in my 37 years. I love my home and I'm so happy that we pushed ourselves and bought this house and went through the pain of moving and finding renters for our townhome. We really stretched ourselves financially and it all worked out. Our house isn't a dream home by any stretch of the term but it is a dream home for me. When I think about where I grew up for me this home feels like a palace and I'm so happy Lily gets to be raised here in this house in this nice neighborhood. I really feel complete for the first time in my life. I have the family I've always wanted and we have a nice home to entertain and have our families come over and host holidays. We've lived here for three months and I still looked around almost daily and thank God that I'm here living the life that I dreamed of for so long. I still look at Lily and I'm amazed constantly by her presence in my life. There are toys all over family room and our living room is just one big play room because we don't have any furniture in there yet and I love it. I have a gazillion things I want to do to redecorate and things I new furniture I want to buy and things I want to paint but right now I'm just focusing on living here and being here and being grateful. It took me a long time to get here. My road to having a family was long and painful and I don't just mean the infertility. My dysfunctional upbringing left me longing for a family way before I was even married or tried to have kids.

Today was the first nice day that we've had in months. The temperature got up to 62 degrees and it felt wonderful to be able to open the sliding glass door in our kitchen and let the fresh air come in. Lily loves going outside and just stands by the glass door waiting for me to take her outside. I could hear kids outside playing and basketballs bouncing against garage doors, and kites flying overhead. They were all sounds of a neighborhood that reminded me of my neighborhood growing up. I could hear vacuums cleaners going in other neighbors houses and sounds of their families sitting on their deck, windows wide open and the wonderful sounds of family life filled my little corner of the world.

My sweet Lily is 14 months old and is walking/running around all over the place. She is still taking her bottle and not totally embracing the sippy cup thing yet but she's working on it. She's so smart she understands B when he speaks Serbian and me when I speak English to her. She loves her piggy stuffed animal and takes him with her everything. She loves the basement and always wants B to take her down there to play. She loves the outside and always wants to go go go. We love her so much and hug and kiss her a million times in a day. She's so independent you can hardly hold her for two seconds and she wants to get her going. She loves spinach, sweet potatoes, squash. I try and do most of her cooking. When I make her spinach you'd think Iwas serving her chocolate cake she just eats it up so fast and can't get enough. She's a good sleeper and almost always sleeps through the night until about 6:30. She's down by 7:30 and takes two naps a day. One quick one in the morning and then a little longer one in the afternoon. She just started coloring a little bit and likes stickers and her books. I just want to hold her tight every day to freeze time because she's growing so fast I can't keep up.

And...I'm thinking more about having another baby. Just thinking but I am thinking about it....a lot.

Grateful

My sister and Lily are at baby story time in the library and I'm actually alone in my house. I don't think I've bee alone here since we moved in. It sure is quiet. Since I'm trying to blog more I thought I'd take this opportunity to write a few thoughts.

Lately when I put Lily to bed at night we've been saying our prayers as I rock her to sleep. And I thank God for all the things that we are grateful for and pray for those less fortunate than us. I feel so blessed to be able to give my child all of the things she needs. I think the hardest thing in the entire world would be to not be able to help your children or give them food or be able to care for them and have to watch them suffer. I'm so thankful for Lily's smiles and her laughs and that she is a happy, healthy and beautiful baby.

Well that was a short post. They are ready for me to pick them up.

Making time to blog

There are so many damn things to do in a day that by the end of it blogging is LOW on my priority list. But writing has always given me a sense of purpose and I love rereading my blog posts and diary entries so I know how much value it has. So I'm going to really try to get it back on track.

Here are a few Lily updates.
1. She's an official walker. 13 months almost to the day she just took off and she's not looking back. It's so adorable to see her and her little leggies walking.
2. She can do "So big" in english and serbian. B is trying to speak to her mostly in serbian and she is understanding him.
3. She is sleeping pretty well these days. Goes to bed right around 7 or 7:30 and has been sleeping until 6:30. Her morning nap can be anywhere from 30 min. to a full hour and then the afternoon nap is right about an hour.
4. She drinks a full 8 oz in the morning and then two 5 oz bottles during the day and then anotehr 8 oz at night before bed. She eats three meals and usually one snap. Loves spinach and sweet potatoes and she seems to really like chicken a lot. She's not so keep on beef. I try and do most of the cooking for she eats pretty well as long as she' s entertained with a toy or something interesting. As soon as she's bored those lips shut and you can't get anything in. But the minute you give her something new to play with she opens up and wide as can be an eats like a champ. She's has me totally wrapped around her cute little finger.
5. Her love affair with her piggy is still going strong. She loves that stuffed animal. She's such an affectionate and loving little baby. Always giving us kisses and hugs. She loves to hug her stuffed animals and give them kisses.
6. She just started to like to clean up with a paper towel. She'll wipe the tables and the sofa with the paper towel like she's cleaning.
7. She also like to take everything out of her laundry basket and out of her toy bins. Putting things away is a different story. But she's a pro at taking things out and throwing them on the floor.
8. She loves her books. Sometimes in the morning she'll just sit on the floor by her stack of books and sit there for like 20 minutes and look through each one.

Anyway now about me. Well I am loving my new house and all the space that we have her for Lily to play. I still have some redecorating to do (once I get some cash) to make it more my style but I really love the open space and the fact that we have a dining room and formal living room. I wasn't too happy about having a gas fireplace instead of wood burning but I have to stay I have fallen in love with that fireplace over the past month when it has been like -20 degrees every single day in January. I love working at home and having my sister as my nanny taking care of Lily while I'm working. It's nice to be at home and still be able to come downstairs and have lunch with her and play sometimes throughout the day. I think she's getting a little confused with me here though because she doesn't understand why I keep leaving to go upstairs and she wants to stay by me but I hand her off to my sister when I have to get back to work. That part is an adjustment for her. I'm just so thankful that I don't have her in daycare.

I've been trying to get back on weight watchers and count my points daily. I definitely went off my points yesterday with the super bowl and eating at old country buffet for my aunt's birthday (her choice not mine). I really want to be able to lose weight before spring. We have so many wonderful trails around here and I just can't wait to get outside in my backyard. For the first time I'm actually looking forward to spring and summer. We have a nice deck with a gazebo and a big back yard. I can't wait to have friends over for BBQ's. I just never felt like I had enough space at our townhouse to entertain and it always stressed me out because there was never enough room. But the kitchen, family room and deck are all open with big windows and I just can't wait to have everything open and the fresh air coming in. And for Lily to get to play outside in her sandbox.

Now if we could just find a renter for our townhouse. We thought we had someone signed up for a one year lease but it sounds like they might be backing out. If that could happen then we'd be all set.

When I look back at all the things I wanted for my life before I had Lily I can honestly say that I have it. This is pretty much what I wanted. I wanted to work and have a career but still be able to spend quality time with her. I couldn't imagine her having to go to daycare 10 hours a day but at the same time I wanted to work. So this really is the perfect situation. My mom comes over a lot during the day and sometimes my neice comes by. I love the feeling of my home being filled with people and family. When it comes down to it family is what is most important and I'm so thankful for mine.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hoursin a day are not enough, remember the story of the mayonnaise jar andthe 2 BeersA professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items infront of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very largeand empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. Hethen asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into thejar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areasbetween the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar wasfull. They agreed it was.The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more ifthe jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and pouredthe entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty spacebetween the sand. The students laughed.'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you torecognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are theimportant things---your family, your children, your health, your friendsand your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and onlythey remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the otherthings that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand iseverything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jarfirst,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golfballs. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy onthe small stuff you will never have room for the things that areimportant to you. 'Pay attention to the things that are critical to yourhappiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents.Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take yourspouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time toclean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf ballsfirst---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest isjust sand.'One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beerrepresented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' Thebeer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there'salways room for a couple of beers with a friend.' Please share this withsomeone you care about.

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. 2008 Review.

Since forming sentences in a witty and metaphorical fashion will take precious time and energy that I simply do not have, I am going to write in spurts instead. I want to remember this year since it was the biggest year of my life and I think I did a poor job of detailing it but I must at least attempt to get something down in this blog about 2008.

So what did I do in 2008 that makes it such a big important year?
I HAD A BABY. I BOUGHT A HOUSE. I GOT A NEW JOB. The later two happened within the last month. The baby part happened actually in 2007 but since she was only a few days old I'm going to squeek her in as a 2008 event if you don't mind. I've had no time to blog with the house hunting, house packing and eventual house purchasing, moving and now unpacking. Christmas this year was devine. First of all I have to mention that I've sat through many many years of boring christmases wishing and hoping and praying for one day to have a child of my own. I did breath in and out a few wonderful signs of complete blissful happiness on Christmas Eve as I watched Lily crawling all over my sister's house, pulling herself up on everything, playing with the wrapping paper and bows and marveling at the Christmas tree. She entertained my whole family and made everyone laugh. We were all taking her picture so much that she grabbed my mom's camera and actually put it up to her little eye to take our picture. I love love love that girl more than I ever though my heart could love anything on this earth. My mom stayed over in our new house on Christmas Eve and Lily and I went in my mom's room and woke her up on Christmas morning. Then we went downstairs and opened presents. I did manage to put up a Christmas tree in our new house and actually had it decorated and presents were wrapped underneath. I feel pretty accomplished about this. I felt so happy and grateful to be in our new house with my husband, daughter and mom on Christmas morning. And I felt so very lucky. I didn't let the fact that so many people have so little this time of year get lost on me. I truly felt thankful. My brother came over too so I made dinner for everyone. Then B and I crashed on the couch with some wine and enjoyed the fireplace with our stockings glowing on the mantel in the background. I'm not sure if it is having a child or having an actual home of our own but this year I really felt Christmas for this first time since I was a child.

Lily's first birthday. My sweetheart turned ONE on December 28th. I can't believe she is one year old already. Where has the time gone. It's just flying by. Some times I just want to squeeze her and hold her tight and keep her my little baby forever. B and I threw a great first birthday party for her at our church. Our house wasn't first birthday party ready so we opted to have it at the church hall. There were about 30 adults 8 kids there. Both me and Lily had colds so we weren't feeling the best. My good friend Jill who is a librarian read stories and sang songs for the kids. B and I bought her this little cart that she can push at FAO Schwartz. It's made in Italy and it is just the most adorable thing. B was so excited to give it to her but when she saw it she was afraid of it. Now of course she is pushing that thing all over the place and she loves it. Her cake was a winnie the pooh, tigger and piglet cake. It was a great party and even though we were rushing up until the very end to get the balloons up and the hall decorated it all turned out great. We even panicked at one point because the lock was frozen to the church and people were about to arrive and we couldn't get in. But B said a prayer since we were at a church it seemed appropriate and wala the lock opened!

There is so much more I want to write but right now I'm at my in-laws and they are going to babysit tonight so B and I can go to a movie and I need to get Lily ready for bed. We haven't had a date night in forever.

Happy 2009 everyone out there.

Letting myself go

Let's see it's been almost 2 months since I've written. I'm not sure if I even have any readers left but this blog is suppose to be for me anyway right? Well after we went on vacation to Canada over labor day things were pretty rough after we returned home. Lily's schedule was completely off. She would wake up at 4 or 5 everyday and wanted to start her day at that time. Then, she got sick right after we got home too and that threw things off even more. I guess we should consider ourselves lucky that we made it almost 8 months without her being sick. But sick babies are no fun. I felt so helpless because she was so stuffy and at night she kept waking up and couldn't breath. It just broke my heart. Then, of course I got sick right after that. Which really sucked. There was no laying in bed all day watching TV as I did before I had a child. Oh no, my life was just as hectic as always except I was miserably sick. The month of September was just difficult. I think I was exhausted the entire month. But October has definitely been better. In fact, today Lily and I slept until 9 am. It was amazing. Also, in August I had joined weight watchers. I was so committed and excited about my weight loss. I had lost 7 lbs within 2 weeks right before we left on vacation. While we were in Canada I went off my diet and I'm so sad to report that I've not only gained all 7lbs back but another 3. It is so depressing. Lily is coming up on a year and I wanted to at least lost all of my baby weight before her first birthday. I still have two months so all is not lost. But I need to find the ambition. I just feel like I've let myself go physically. I've gotten into this pattern of eating unhealthy and way too much and I just keep doing it. I know it started in September when I was so tired every single day and food just seemed to be the only thing that made me feel good. It wasn't a good pattern and I know I need to break it. I need to start excercising again and getting healthy. But at the end of a long day it's hard to motivate myself to get off the couch. But I need to.

Let's talk about something else. My lovely Lily. She is crawling all over, walking on furniture and saying Mamamamama. Her temper have definitely appeared. When she wants something she means business. For Halloween she's going to be a pink french poodle. Tomorrow we are going to Anoka (the halloween capital of the world for those of you that don't know) for a parade. B and I are going to do the 1mile walk with Lily in the stroller. Then off to my good friend Sarah's house for dinner. I've managed to started feeding Lily the little puffy cheerio things and she's starting to figure out how to put those in her mouth. I bought her some little cookies and she's snacking on those a little. She also eats bits of banana now. She loves to pull her hair, my hair and anyone's hair. She just started clapping her hands together just this week (at 9.5 months). She sings all the time. She loves my laptop and wants to pound on the keys everytime I bring it out. I usually let her but she's managed to lock it up on a few occassions. She's my darling little angel and I couldn't love anything more. But I do need to put a little focus back on myself and get myself back in shape. Monday I'll get started.

Only 1.5 more weeks before election day. I can't wait for Obama to be our next president. Obama. Obama. Obama!!!!!

8 months

My sweetheart will be 8 months old tomorrow. I cannot believe it has been 8 months since she was born. This year is just flying by and my little angel is getting so big. She is actively crawling now and can get just about anywhere. She eats three solid meals a day and drinks right around 21-27 ounces of formula. I'm a little unsure about when to start finger foods and what type to offer her. She only has two bottom teeth so I'm not sure how I could give her a cracker or cheerio yet. Won't she choke?

My Lily is a great sleeper. She goes to bed right around 7:30pm and sleeps until 6:30 or 7ish. This schedule makes for a very happy momma. Of course I get up a few times during the night to check on her and flip her back over onto her back. Is it okay to leave her on her belly if she flips during the night? I'm not sure what to do there so I just get up when I hear her turn and flip her back over.

She hugs me now really tight around my neck when I get home from work. She loves her toys and gets super excited when she sees a new toy. Christmas is going to be so much fun this year watching her get excited about her presents and toys. My mom brought her over a little toy today and I wasn't home but both my mom and sister said that she just laughed and laughed and was so happy and excited by her new toy. It was this pink purse that played music. I was at work but it makes me so happy that Lily has my sister as her nanny and my mom can come over during the afternoon and spend time with her. If you have to work I don't think there is a better scenario.

Oh and we put an offer in on a new house. We put the offer in on Tuesday and still haven't heard yet. It was a pretty low ball offer in a great neighborhood so we're crossing our fingers. We're taking Lily on her first airplane ride this weekend. We're visiting some friends in Canada for the long weekend. I'm a little nervous navigating the airport with her but I'm sure between the two of us we'll figure it out.

Wish us luck on the house!

My Husband

B and I had a long talk last night. One of those three hour marathon "state of the union" talks. I could have talked another three hours but it was midnight and nothing was getting resolved and it all sort of seemed pointless. Here's the thing: I started crying Sunday night while I was lying in bed because of some selfish act on B's part and it all just sort of hit me. I so desperately want to create this perfect family for Lily that I let B get away with a lot of selfish inconsiderate things because I don't want to argue. B is a great father. He loves Lily like crazy and smothers her with kisses on a daily basis. He never complains about helping out with her or putting her to bed or giving baths. He's an active, involved wonderful father. But he acts like his time is so much more valuable than my time. I spend ALL my time either taking care of Lily or cooking or doing something around the house. I rarely have ME time. And if B doesn't get his "me" time he freaks out. He needs to work out, play soccer, run his thousand+ errands yadayada. And I'm just frustrated and I'm irritated. I wish he was a little more committed to making me happy or doing things that would make me happy. Like, plan a vacation for us. Or buy me flowers or something that shows he cares about me. Everything is always about HIM. Okay so here's something I would like an opinion on that we can't seem to agree on:

On Saturday he says to me "Hey, I bought you a present". I get all excited not thinking it was anything big or expensive just at the thought that he thought of me. It turned out to be some $10 little thing which was nice. Later on that day he mentions that he bought it out of our joint spending account. We each have our own accounts and a joint account. I was totally irritated and told him to return it. Am I just being bitchy? Or, can anyone see my point about how this isn't exactly a "present' . And it's just $10 aren't I worth that? That's how I felt. Opinons??

Then as I was laying in bed crying I realized that I'm doing exactly what my mother did. Pretending things are all peachy and rosy and in reality they are not. I'm so worried about giving Lily this idyllic childhood that I didn't have that I'm losing my own voice in my marriage. Looking back now I think one of the most powerful things my mother could do for me would be to acknowledge that I didn't have a good childhood and that she's sorry. Instead she says things like "we always had the most wonderful holidays didn't we". I realize she's trying to remember the "good times" but I would like some mention of the bad times. Just to make it seem more real. I don't want to do that to Lily. I can't give her a perfect childhood. But, I can give her a pretty good one with two parents who love and adore her. Our marriage has problems that we need to work on. Neither one of us are going anywhere. We're committed to each other and we love each other but we need to do some work. Pretending that the issues aren't there isn't going to solve anything.

We went through 3+ years of infertility and then finally having our beautiful daughter. Life has been sort of crazy and I think we need to reconnect with each other and I don't know how to do that. I don't want to turn into one of those couples that have nothing to say to each other when they go out to dinner and just sit in silence.

A Good Day

The most perfect day ever.

75 degrees. A day wine tasting with my good friends. A picnic. A few bottles of red wine. No clouds outside or inside. Perfection. Here's proof.

So much to do

Every day the list of things I NEED to get done grows and fewer items get checked off the list before new things to-do get added. It is unrelenting. Where are people suppose to find the time to get all the stuff done in life that we need to get done, plus work, plus spend quality time with babies and husbands? There is the basic stuff like grocery shopping, food preparation, showering that MUST happen if I want to be a clean and well fed individual. When push comes to shove I can usually put showering on the luxury-time list and add a little extra time in my day. Housecleaning and my own personal laundry never seems to get done. Baby's laundry gets done almost daily but I'm down to my last pair of underwear as we speak and it's questionable if my laundry will get done today so who knows tomorrow may be commando. There is also the search for a new house. This search began officially about a year and a half ago. I did put it on the back burner while I was pregnant because the thought of moving was just too much to deal with but I did look. Now, the search is full throttle and I CAN'T FIND A HOUSE TO BUY. Every time I turn on the frickin' TV they keep talking about the real estate market and how great it is to be a home buyer right now yadayadayada. Well either I'm too picky or too cheap. I suspect it's a combination of both. Cheap & picky doesn't get you too far in the housing market no matter what the outlook. Then there is the urban vs. suburban question. I swore up and down that I was going to buy a house back in the city, back where the cool people live with their tree-lined streets and coffee houses. But that too is fading to black. The houses are too damn small! And too expensive. Seriously, I cannot move the fam into a house with one bathroom. It just can't happen. And what is with the bungalow's? Two bedrooms on the main floor and then a big useless loft upstairs with low dormers that a person of normal height (B is 6'3) can't stand in. So I've decided (mostly) to stay in the suburbs. But all the houses I find are sooo painfully ugly and soooo suburban looking with their short stubby trees in the front yard and depressing landscape of identical houses. I need to move soon. Very soon or I'm going to be stuck in my townhouse for another year. People don't move in Minnesota in the winter. It's just too damn cold. Besides, I want to be all settled in before the holidays and Lil's first birthday. Wawawa.

Here is the other list of things that I need to do.
1. Mail pile - it's huge. I know there are probably very important bills, letters and invitations in there but I have no time to go through the pile so it just grows.
2. Search for airline tickets to Montreal - we want to visit a good friend of ours over labor day weekend but the damn tickets are like $800+ each. Damn US dollar.
3. Hang Lil's 5 month pictures. Yes, she's 7 months old now so that tells you how long they've been sitting in my living room. They are framed but not on the wall. Yet.
4. Mail gift to mother in law and her friend as a thank-you for all the wonderful cooking they did for Lil's baptism.
5. Thank you cards for the baptism.
6. Deposit checks received from baptism.
7. Cleaning - seriously my bathroom is embarassing and every day my sister comes in there to wash Lily's face and hands for the day and I know she's thinking "my sister is dirteee".
8. Write in Lil's baby book. I want to write down and record every thing she does. I want to capture every expression and sound before I forget. She's just doing so many new things and changing so fast I can't keep up!

That's it for now. With all of that said I just want to say that I know this is the good stuff. I need more money, time and a new house but I know that this time with Lily is the best time of my life. Sometimes I just want to box up this time and save it forever because I know inside that it really doesn't get any better than this. If I could stay right here forever I would.

Another Baby?

First of all let me say that I am truly amazed at how fast time has passed and how my little Lily is going to be 7 months old. This year has been the fastest year of my entire life. Why do the shitty years last forever and the truly wonderful years just fly by? I guess that's a question for the universe t0 answer. I think having children is what really speeds up the clock. They grow up so fast and discover so many new things and pass milestones every week and it all just flies by. In a flash. Just last week my sister told me that Lily was sitting up in her crib. She had put her down flat on her back in her crib and when she came in to get her she had managed to sit up. All in one day she figured it out. She can now roll over from her tummy to her back, sit up straight for long periods of time unassisted and go from her belly to sitting up. I think crawling and standing on her own are not far off. I was rocking her to sleep the other night and I got tears in my eyes thinking of her being all grown up. Mother's can't rock grown ups to sleep anymore. Mother's can't feed their grown up children and wipe their mouths and kiss them one thousand times a day. You can't give them baths and sing crazy made up songs and make them laugh and giggle and coo when they are all grown up. I guess you could do these things but it would be weird. It dawned on me that this time when she is my baby is passing. Every day she needs me just a tiny bit less. Every day she figures out the world a little bit more on her own. And every day she lets me hold her for just a little less long before she wants to move out of my arms and wiggle around on her mat by herself. My new favorite thing is when I'm holding her or rocking her to sleep and she gazes up at me with her big blue eyes. Or when I'm driving and I look back at her and she's craning her neck to try and look at me from her car seat. I wait until a stop light and I look back at her and touch her sweet little head and she smiles. I don't think it's possible for me to love another human being more than I love her.

After saying all that the big question is do I want another baby. It seems like there is a six month grace period before people start asking about baby #2. My grace period is up and now the world is free to ask me this question. I love that people seem to forget that it took nearly four years to conceive her. They forget about my infertile past and just assume that now that I have a baby I'll just be a fertile myrtle and another baby will just be a piece of cake. Well it's not that easy for me. It's hard. It's really really hard to even think about going through all of that again. I was actually at a party this past weekend and two women were talking about this woman they know that has only one child and how selfish she is. Man, sometimes women can just be bitches. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the same thing about only children "they're selfish, spoiled, hard people to deal with, ADD, socially inept, loners". And the list goes on. I really don't know that many people with close relationships with their siblings. I have a sister and a brother who are 6 and 8 years older than me. None of us are particularly close. We like each other and we spend time together on holidays and sometimes socially. I felt like an only child while I was growing up because I had no relationship with them at all. I don't think either one noticed that I existed until I was 20. I was blessed with wonderful girlfriends at an early age and we are all still friends even now. They felt more like sisters to me than any family member ever could. They are the ones I called during every crisis and every heartbreak. My daughter will play with their kids like cousins since they are all around the same age. She will have lots of friends. But am I a bad mother if I don't give her a brother or a sister? My husband desperately wants another child. Especially a son. Am I bad wife if I don't want to go through this again? Yes, it was all worth it. I'm happy with Lily. I love being her mother. How would another baby change our relationship. She wouldn't be the baby anymore. I would have less time to dote on her and enjoy every smile, laugh and every amazing little thing that she does. Would another baby make me crankier and more tired than I already am and turn me into one of those mother's that I don't want to become. Or just inattentive because I'm too busy which could possibly be the worst thing of all.

I just don't know that I can do it again. I feel like my entire thirties were spent "trying" to have a baby. The timed intercourse, the trips to the fertility clinic, the miscarriages, the hopes and disappointments. It consumed every detail of my life for 4 long years. Now my life is about something completely different. The pain of those four years is finally starting to fade into the background. Those painful memories are being replaced by wonderful and beautiful experiences with my daughter. I'm happy. I am really and truly completely happy. Probably for the first time in my life.

I'm completely impressed by so many of my blog friends that escaped the trenches of infertilty and are already back in the stirrups trying and/or pregnant with baby #2. I truly commend you. I admire you. I just don't think I can do it. Maybe I'll change my mind. Thoughts?

What I did on my summer vacation 2008

Here is a list of my accomplishments:

- Dusted my bedroom. I can't remember the last time I dusted and it was in dire need.
- Prepared 3 big bags to take to the salvation army.
- Cleaned out my closet
- Made baby food for Lily for the week
- Framed her latest portraits and a photo from my artist friend Kim
- Made 2 trips to the eye doctor and one trip to the dermatologist. Eye infection almost cleared up. Check. Check.
- Laundry. Laundry. Laundry
- Successfully got Lily to take both an afternoon and a morning nap. Crossing my fingers that my sister can keep up this schedule. The result is a much a happier baby.
- Spent lots of good quality time with my daughter.

I didn't get to go to Europe (again) this summer. I didn't have the money to rent a summer cabin like I wanted to. I didn't get together with some friends that I wanted to catch up with. And my house isn't as clean as I wanted it to be by the end of my vacation. I didn't work out everyday like I had planned and I didn't eat as healthy as I wanted to. But I think I did what's most important. I feel rested and refreshed and ready to go back to work with a new perspective. I spent most days being silly with Lily which is exactly what I wanted to do.

Good Mothering

Today I felt like a good mother. I made Lily laugh countless times. Big full belly laughs. I made her homemade baby food while she played in her pack and play and watched me in the kitchen. We made squash, sweet potatoes and carrots. I took her for a walk. We cuddled. We napped. It was an all around perfect mother/daughter day. I've been off work all week because my nanny/sister is on vacation so subsequently I am on vacation. My heart is so huge with love for her that I can hardly stand it sometimes. I love that she cries when other people hold her and then I hold her and she stops crying. I love her big gummy toothless smile. I can honestly say that I've never been this happy in my life. Despite the sleepless nights, the crazy hectic pace of my life these days, despite my new found poverty and huge credit card balance, despite it all I've never felt this fulfilled and this completely satisfied with my life. Every night when I go to bed I thank God for giving me Lily. And every night I can't wait until morning so I can see her and have another day with her. And, I feel like I'm doing a good job at being a mother. Sure, I do have bouts of mom guilt when she spends too much time in her pack and play or especially when I leave for work in the morning. But for the most part, she's a happy, good tempered baby. She sleeps mostly through the night, even though I get up often (too often) to check on her. I'm so paranoid of her rolling over on her stomach so I run in there at every noise. We had her six month check-up yesterday and here are her stats.

Weight - 15 lbs 4 oz. 45% percentile
Height - 27 inches 80% percentile
Head - 65 percentile

She passed all the milestones. She rolls over. She can sit by herself with support. She can pass things from hand to hand. She grabs at everything. She's starting to scoot herself on her belly and begin to get up on all fours. I think crawling is within weeks. Yikes! I better get my floors clean!

I use to think that I would never want to be a stay at home mom but after this week I'm starting to change my mind. I think I'll cry when I have to go back to work next week. We're having so much fun! Tomorrow we're off to lunch with Daddy and then to the museum with my friend Sarah and her little girl. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Just plain tired

I'm tired.

I'm always tired.

I'm wondering if there will ever come a day when I'm not tired.

I feel like I've been tired forever.

I'm tired of being tired.

Lily sleeps but she still gets up at 5 am. sometimes 4:30 am. Sometimes I can bring her to bed with me until 6ish but neither yesterday nor today was one of those days. Sometimes I can fall back asleep and sometimes I just can't. I went to bed at 10 pm and despite getting 7 hours of sleep I'm still tired. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on some sleep this weekend. We don't have any plans for the 4th so I'm really looking forward to doing nothing or just random things that come up. I do have one episode of Tori & Dean to catch up on and a parade to go to but other than that we have no plans. We might take Lily to the pool for the first time. We might go for a walk around one of the 10,000 or so lakes that we have here in Minnesota. Or we might just do nothing besides sit on our patio, sleep late, take naps, cuddle and stare at our baby. I am planning on making some baby food this weekend: sweet potatoes, carrots and squash are on the baby menu. Brats, tuna salad and wine are on mom's menu. I'm also on vacation until July 14th so I have an entire week to spend doing fun things around town with Lily. I'm thinking we'll go to a museum, lunch with some of my yoga friends and maybe take in a storytime or two in there. I'm really looking forward to spending some good quality baby time with Lily. It's amazing how much of their lives you miss when you have to work all day. I'm lucky that I just work three days a week but even that makes me feel like I'm missing out.

Happy 4th!

Tori & Dean

Summer TV is really depressing. There is absolutely nothing on. I hate America's Got Talent. I have no interest in watching that japenese game show or any of the other crap on TV. TV is my thing. I know I should read a book or exercise or do something productive with my time. But the truth is that after a long day, after I rock the baby to sleep, run up and down the stairs a few times to put the nuk back in her mouth, make dinner, eat dinner, put the dishes in the dishwasher, there is nothing I like better than to veg out on the couch and watch TV for an hour before I go to bed. So this is where Tori & Dean come in. I am forcing myself to like this show. I don't think reality television can get any worse than Tori & Dean but Oxygen can begrudingly add me as another viewer to their nielsen ratings. Oh what I wouldn't give for a Real Housewives of NYC or I'd even take a mini-series like last summer's Starter Wife. But I guess I'm stuck with Tori & Dean :-(

Here is where I have to vent about last night's episode: First of all I have to say that Tori Sp.elling is a huge baby and a big whiner and she is not an attractive girl. I do have to say that their little boy Liam is adorable and fun to watch. I loved Tori & Dean's conversation last night about this scuba instructor that Tori is all jealous of. Dean's new hobby is scuba and Tori went on a scuba trip with him and she complained the entire time that she was sea sick. She's worried that since Dean cheated on his wife with Tori that Dean will do the same thing to her. No duh Tori. Once a cheater always a cheater. Oh and she was complaining about how they can't afford a very expensive house and that realtors probably think that because she's Tori Sp.elling she should be able to afford to buy a certain kind of house. Then, they showed the kind of houses that they were looking at and they were at least 2 to 3 million plus. I don't know the CA real estate market very well but I'm guessing that 5 bedrooms and a pool near the ocean ain't cheap. Poor girl. So that's how I'll be spending my Tuesday evenings....watching the struggles of ex-902010'er Tori & Dean. On a more interesting note, here's a video I took on our way to IN of Lily sneezing. So cute. Much more fun to watch than Tori & Dean. I took it with my camera phone so it's a little grainy.

Tiffany's

Lily got her first present from Tiffany's. A little piggy bank from our friends W & J. I think the best part of getting a gift from Tiffany's is the blue box with the white ribbon. Here's a photo of the piggy bank. It is so cute!