Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. 2008 Review.

Since forming sentences in a witty and metaphorical fashion will take precious time and energy that I simply do not have, I am going to write in spurts instead. I want to remember this year since it was the biggest year of my life and I think I did a poor job of detailing it but I must at least attempt to get something down in this blog about 2008.

So what did I do in 2008 that makes it such a big important year?
I HAD A BABY. I BOUGHT A HOUSE. I GOT A NEW JOB. The later two happened within the last month. The baby part happened actually in 2007 but since she was only a few days old I'm going to squeek her in as a 2008 event if you don't mind. I've had no time to blog with the house hunting, house packing and eventual house purchasing, moving and now unpacking. Christmas this year was devine. First of all I have to mention that I've sat through many many years of boring christmases wishing and hoping and praying for one day to have a child of my own. I did breath in and out a few wonderful signs of complete blissful happiness on Christmas Eve as I watched Lily crawling all over my sister's house, pulling herself up on everything, playing with the wrapping paper and bows and marveling at the Christmas tree. She entertained my whole family and made everyone laugh. We were all taking her picture so much that she grabbed my mom's camera and actually put it up to her little eye to take our picture. I love love love that girl more than I ever though my heart could love anything on this earth. My mom stayed over in our new house on Christmas Eve and Lily and I went in my mom's room and woke her up on Christmas morning. Then we went downstairs and opened presents. I did manage to put up a Christmas tree in our new house and actually had it decorated and presents were wrapped underneath. I feel pretty accomplished about this. I felt so happy and grateful to be in our new house with my husband, daughter and mom on Christmas morning. And I felt so very lucky. I didn't let the fact that so many people have so little this time of year get lost on me. I truly felt thankful. My brother came over too so I made dinner for everyone. Then B and I crashed on the couch with some wine and enjoyed the fireplace with our stockings glowing on the mantel in the background. I'm not sure if it is having a child or having an actual home of our own but this year I really felt Christmas for this first time since I was a child.

Lily's first birthday. My sweetheart turned ONE on December 28th. I can't believe she is one year old already. Where has the time gone. It's just flying by. Some times I just want to squeeze her and hold her tight and keep her my little baby forever. B and I threw a great first birthday party for her at our church. Our house wasn't first birthday party ready so we opted to have it at the church hall. There were about 30 adults 8 kids there. Both me and Lily had colds so we weren't feeling the best. My good friend Jill who is a librarian read stories and sang songs for the kids. B and I bought her this little cart that she can push at FAO Schwartz. It's made in Italy and it is just the most adorable thing. B was so excited to give it to her but when she saw it she was afraid of it. Now of course she is pushing that thing all over the place and she loves it. Her cake was a winnie the pooh, tigger and piglet cake. It was a great party and even though we were rushing up until the very end to get the balloons up and the hall decorated it all turned out great. We even panicked at one point because the lock was frozen to the church and people were about to arrive and we couldn't get in. But B said a prayer since we were at a church it seemed appropriate and wala the lock opened!

There is so much more I want to write but right now I'm at my in-laws and they are going to babysit tonight so B and I can go to a movie and I need to get Lily ready for bed. We haven't had a date night in forever.

Happy 2009 everyone out there.

Letting myself go

Let's see it's been almost 2 months since I've written. I'm not sure if I even have any readers left but this blog is suppose to be for me anyway right? Well after we went on vacation to Canada over labor day things were pretty rough after we returned home. Lily's schedule was completely off. She would wake up at 4 or 5 everyday and wanted to start her day at that time. Then, she got sick right after we got home too and that threw things off even more. I guess we should consider ourselves lucky that we made it almost 8 months without her being sick. But sick babies are no fun. I felt so helpless because she was so stuffy and at night she kept waking up and couldn't breath. It just broke my heart. Then, of course I got sick right after that. Which really sucked. There was no laying in bed all day watching TV as I did before I had a child. Oh no, my life was just as hectic as always except I was miserably sick. The month of September was just difficult. I think I was exhausted the entire month. But October has definitely been better. In fact, today Lily and I slept until 9 am. It was amazing. Also, in August I had joined weight watchers. I was so committed and excited about my weight loss. I had lost 7 lbs within 2 weeks right before we left on vacation. While we were in Canada I went off my diet and I'm so sad to report that I've not only gained all 7lbs back but another 3. It is so depressing. Lily is coming up on a year and I wanted to at least lost all of my baby weight before her first birthday. I still have two months so all is not lost. But I need to find the ambition. I just feel like I've let myself go physically. I've gotten into this pattern of eating unhealthy and way too much and I just keep doing it. I know it started in September when I was so tired every single day and food just seemed to be the only thing that made me feel good. It wasn't a good pattern and I know I need to break it. I need to start excercising again and getting healthy. But at the end of a long day it's hard to motivate myself to get off the couch. But I need to.

Let's talk about something else. My lovely Lily. She is crawling all over, walking on furniture and saying Mamamamama. Her temper have definitely appeared. When she wants something she means business. For Halloween she's going to be a pink french poodle. Tomorrow we are going to Anoka (the halloween capital of the world for those of you that don't know) for a parade. B and I are going to do the 1mile walk with Lily in the stroller. Then off to my good friend Sarah's house for dinner. I've managed to started feeding Lily the little puffy cheerio things and she's starting to figure out how to put those in her mouth. I bought her some little cookies and she's snacking on those a little. She also eats bits of banana now. She loves to pull her hair, my hair and anyone's hair. She just started clapping her hands together just this week (at 9.5 months). She sings all the time. She loves my laptop and wants to pound on the keys everytime I bring it out. I usually let her but she's managed to lock it up on a few occassions. She's my darling little angel and I couldn't love anything more. But I do need to put a little focus back on myself and get myself back in shape. Monday I'll get started.

Only 1.5 more weeks before election day. I can't wait for Obama to be our next president. Obama. Obama. Obama!!!!!

8 months

My sweetheart will be 8 months old tomorrow. I cannot believe it has been 8 months since she was born. This year is just flying by and my little angel is getting so big. She is actively crawling now and can get just about anywhere. She eats three solid meals a day and drinks right around 21-27 ounces of formula. I'm a little unsure about when to start finger foods and what type to offer her. She only has two bottom teeth so I'm not sure how I could give her a cracker or cheerio yet. Won't she choke?

My Lily is a great sleeper. She goes to bed right around 7:30pm and sleeps until 6:30 or 7ish. This schedule makes for a very happy momma. Of course I get up a few times during the night to check on her and flip her back over onto her back. Is it okay to leave her on her belly if she flips during the night? I'm not sure what to do there so I just get up when I hear her turn and flip her back over.

She hugs me now really tight around my neck when I get home from work. She loves her toys and gets super excited when she sees a new toy. Christmas is going to be so much fun this year watching her get excited about her presents and toys. My mom brought her over a little toy today and I wasn't home but both my mom and sister said that she just laughed and laughed and was so happy and excited by her new toy. It was this pink purse that played music. I was at work but it makes me so happy that Lily has my sister as her nanny and my mom can come over during the afternoon and spend time with her. If you have to work I don't think there is a better scenario.

Oh and we put an offer in on a new house. We put the offer in on Tuesday and still haven't heard yet. It was a pretty low ball offer in a great neighborhood so we're crossing our fingers. We're taking Lily on her first airplane ride this weekend. We're visiting some friends in Canada for the long weekend. I'm a little nervous navigating the airport with her but I'm sure between the two of us we'll figure it out.

Wish us luck on the house!

My Husband

B and I had a long talk last night. One of those three hour marathon "state of the union" talks. I could have talked another three hours but it was midnight and nothing was getting resolved and it all sort of seemed pointless. Here's the thing: I started crying Sunday night while I was lying in bed because of some selfish act on B's part and it all just sort of hit me. I so desperately want to create this perfect family for Lily that I let B get away with a lot of selfish inconsiderate things because I don't want to argue. B is a great father. He loves Lily like crazy and smothers her with kisses on a daily basis. He never complains about helping out with her or putting her to bed or giving baths. He's an active, involved wonderful father. But he acts like his time is so much more valuable than my time. I spend ALL my time either taking care of Lily or cooking or doing something around the house. I rarely have ME time. And if B doesn't get his "me" time he freaks out. He needs to work out, play soccer, run his thousand+ errands yadayada. And I'm just frustrated and I'm irritated. I wish he was a little more committed to making me happy or doing things that would make me happy. Like, plan a vacation for us. Or buy me flowers or something that shows he cares about me. Everything is always about HIM. Okay so here's something I would like an opinion on that we can't seem to agree on:

On Saturday he says to me "Hey, I bought you a present". I get all excited not thinking it was anything big or expensive just at the thought that he thought of me. It turned out to be some $10 little thing which was nice. Later on that day he mentions that he bought it out of our joint spending account. We each have our own accounts and a joint account. I was totally irritated and told him to return it. Am I just being bitchy? Or, can anyone see my point about how this isn't exactly a "present' . And it's just $10 aren't I worth that? That's how I felt. Opinons??

Then as I was laying in bed crying I realized that I'm doing exactly what my mother did. Pretending things are all peachy and rosy and in reality they are not. I'm so worried about giving Lily this idyllic childhood that I didn't have that I'm losing my own voice in my marriage. Looking back now I think one of the most powerful things my mother could do for me would be to acknowledge that I didn't have a good childhood and that she's sorry. Instead she says things like "we always had the most wonderful holidays didn't we". I realize she's trying to remember the "good times" but I would like some mention of the bad times. Just to make it seem more real. I don't want to do that to Lily. I can't give her a perfect childhood. But, I can give her a pretty good one with two parents who love and adore her. Our marriage has problems that we need to work on. Neither one of us are going anywhere. We're committed to each other and we love each other but we need to do some work. Pretending that the issues aren't there isn't going to solve anything.

We went through 3+ years of infertility and then finally having our beautiful daughter. Life has been sort of crazy and I think we need to reconnect with each other and I don't know how to do that. I don't want to turn into one of those couples that have nothing to say to each other when they go out to dinner and just sit in silence.

A Good Day

The most perfect day ever.

75 degrees. A day wine tasting with my good friends. A picnic. A few bottles of red wine. No clouds outside or inside. Perfection. Here's proof.

So much to do

Every day the list of things I NEED to get done grows and fewer items get checked off the list before new things to-do get added. It is unrelenting. Where are people suppose to find the time to get all the stuff done in life that we need to get done, plus work, plus spend quality time with babies and husbands? There is the basic stuff like grocery shopping, food preparation, showering that MUST happen if I want to be a clean and well fed individual. When push comes to shove I can usually put showering on the luxury-time list and add a little extra time in my day. Housecleaning and my own personal laundry never seems to get done. Baby's laundry gets done almost daily but I'm down to my last pair of underwear as we speak and it's questionable if my laundry will get done today so who knows tomorrow may be commando. There is also the search for a new house. This search began officially about a year and a half ago. I did put it on the back burner while I was pregnant because the thought of moving was just too much to deal with but I did look. Now, the search is full throttle and I CAN'T FIND A HOUSE TO BUY. Every time I turn on the frickin' TV they keep talking about the real estate market and how great it is to be a home buyer right now yadayadayada. Well either I'm too picky or too cheap. I suspect it's a combination of both. Cheap & picky doesn't get you too far in the housing market no matter what the outlook. Then there is the urban vs. suburban question. I swore up and down that I was going to buy a house back in the city, back where the cool people live with their tree-lined streets and coffee houses. But that too is fading to black. The houses are too damn small! And too expensive. Seriously, I cannot move the fam into a house with one bathroom. It just can't happen. And what is with the bungalow's? Two bedrooms on the main floor and then a big useless loft upstairs with low dormers that a person of normal height (B is 6'3) can't stand in. So I've decided (mostly) to stay in the suburbs. But all the houses I find are sooo painfully ugly and soooo suburban looking with their short stubby trees in the front yard and depressing landscape of identical houses. I need to move soon. Very soon or I'm going to be stuck in my townhouse for another year. People don't move in Minnesota in the winter. It's just too damn cold. Besides, I want to be all settled in before the holidays and Lil's first birthday. Wawawa.

Here is the other list of things that I need to do.
1. Mail pile - it's huge. I know there are probably very important bills, letters and invitations in there but I have no time to go through the pile so it just grows.
2. Search for airline tickets to Montreal - we want to visit a good friend of ours over labor day weekend but the damn tickets are like $800+ each. Damn US dollar.
3. Hang Lil's 5 month pictures. Yes, she's 7 months old now so that tells you how long they've been sitting in my living room. They are framed but not on the wall. Yet.
4. Mail gift to mother in law and her friend as a thank-you for all the wonderful cooking they did for Lil's baptism.
5. Thank you cards for the baptism.
6. Deposit checks received from baptism.
7. Cleaning - seriously my bathroom is embarassing and every day my sister comes in there to wash Lily's face and hands for the day and I know she's thinking "my sister is dirteee".
8. Write in Lil's baby book. I want to write down and record every thing she does. I want to capture every expression and sound before I forget. She's just doing so many new things and changing so fast I can't keep up!

That's it for now. With all of that said I just want to say that I know this is the good stuff. I need more money, time and a new house but I know that this time with Lily is the best time of my life. Sometimes I just want to box up this time and save it forever because I know inside that it really doesn't get any better than this. If I could stay right here forever I would.

Another Baby?

First of all let me say that I am truly amazed at how fast time has passed and how my little Lily is going to be 7 months old. This year has been the fastest year of my entire life. Why do the shitty years last forever and the truly wonderful years just fly by? I guess that's a question for the universe t0 answer. I think having children is what really speeds up the clock. They grow up so fast and discover so many new things and pass milestones every week and it all just flies by. In a flash. Just last week my sister told me that Lily was sitting up in her crib. She had put her down flat on her back in her crib and when she came in to get her she had managed to sit up. All in one day she figured it out. She can now roll over from her tummy to her back, sit up straight for long periods of time unassisted and go from her belly to sitting up. I think crawling and standing on her own are not far off. I was rocking her to sleep the other night and I got tears in my eyes thinking of her being all grown up. Mother's can't rock grown ups to sleep anymore. Mother's can't feed their grown up children and wipe their mouths and kiss them one thousand times a day. You can't give them baths and sing crazy made up songs and make them laugh and giggle and coo when they are all grown up. I guess you could do these things but it would be weird. It dawned on me that this time when she is my baby is passing. Every day she needs me just a tiny bit less. Every day she figures out the world a little bit more on her own. And every day she lets me hold her for just a little less long before she wants to move out of my arms and wiggle around on her mat by herself. My new favorite thing is when I'm holding her or rocking her to sleep and she gazes up at me with her big blue eyes. Or when I'm driving and I look back at her and she's craning her neck to try and look at me from her car seat. I wait until a stop light and I look back at her and touch her sweet little head and she smiles. I don't think it's possible for me to love another human being more than I love her.

After saying all that the big question is do I want another baby. It seems like there is a six month grace period before people start asking about baby #2. My grace period is up and now the world is free to ask me this question. I love that people seem to forget that it took nearly four years to conceive her. They forget about my infertile past and just assume that now that I have a baby I'll just be a fertile myrtle and another baby will just be a piece of cake. Well it's not that easy for me. It's hard. It's really really hard to even think about going through all of that again. I was actually at a party this past weekend and two women were talking about this woman they know that has only one child and how selfish she is. Man, sometimes women can just be bitches. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the same thing about only children "they're selfish, spoiled, hard people to deal with, ADD, socially inept, loners". And the list goes on. I really don't know that many people with close relationships with their siblings. I have a sister and a brother who are 6 and 8 years older than me. None of us are particularly close. We like each other and we spend time together on holidays and sometimes socially. I felt like an only child while I was growing up because I had no relationship with them at all. I don't think either one noticed that I existed until I was 20. I was blessed with wonderful girlfriends at an early age and we are all still friends even now. They felt more like sisters to me than any family member ever could. They are the ones I called during every crisis and every heartbreak. My daughter will play with their kids like cousins since they are all around the same age. She will have lots of friends. But am I a bad mother if I don't give her a brother or a sister? My husband desperately wants another child. Especially a son. Am I bad wife if I don't want to go through this again? Yes, it was all worth it. I'm happy with Lily. I love being her mother. How would another baby change our relationship. She wouldn't be the baby anymore. I would have less time to dote on her and enjoy every smile, laugh and every amazing little thing that she does. Would another baby make me crankier and more tired than I already am and turn me into one of those mother's that I don't want to become. Or just inattentive because I'm too busy which could possibly be the worst thing of all.

I just don't know that I can do it again. I feel like my entire thirties were spent "trying" to have a baby. The timed intercourse, the trips to the fertility clinic, the miscarriages, the hopes and disappointments. It consumed every detail of my life for 4 long years. Now my life is about something completely different. The pain of those four years is finally starting to fade into the background. Those painful memories are being replaced by wonderful and beautiful experiences with my daughter. I'm happy. I am really and truly completely happy. Probably for the first time in my life.

I'm completely impressed by so many of my blog friends that escaped the trenches of infertilty and are already back in the stirrups trying and/or pregnant with baby #2. I truly commend you. I admire you. I just don't think I can do it. Maybe I'll change my mind. Thoughts?