Wednesday, July 30, 2008

So much to do

Every day the list of things I NEED to get done grows and fewer items get checked off the list before new things to-do get added. It is unrelenting. Where are people suppose to find the time to get all the stuff done in life that we need to get done, plus work, plus spend quality time with babies and husbands? There is the basic stuff like grocery shopping, food preparation, showering that MUST happen if I want to be a clean and well fed individual. When push comes to shove I can usually put showering on the luxury-time list and add a little extra time in my day. Housecleaning and my own personal laundry never seems to get done. Baby's laundry gets done almost daily but I'm down to my last pair of underwear as we speak and it's questionable if my laundry will get done today so who knows tomorrow may be commando. There is also the search for a new house. This search began officially about a year and a half ago. I did put it on the back burner while I was pregnant because the thought of moving was just too much to deal with but I did look. Now, the search is full throttle and I CAN'T FIND A HOUSE TO BUY. Every time I turn on the frickin' TV they keep talking about the real estate market and how great it is to be a home buyer right now yadayadayada. Well either I'm too picky or too cheap. I suspect it's a combination of both. Cheap & picky doesn't get you too far in the housing market no matter what the outlook. Then there is the urban vs. suburban question. I swore up and down that I was going to buy a house back in the city, back where the cool people live with their tree-lined streets and coffee houses. But that too is fading to black. The houses are too damn small! And too expensive. Seriously, I cannot move the fam into a house with one bathroom. It just can't happen. And what is with the bungalow's? Two bedrooms on the main floor and then a big useless loft upstairs with low dormers that a person of normal height (B is 6'3) can't stand in. So I've decided (mostly) to stay in the suburbs. But all the houses I find are sooo painfully ugly and soooo suburban looking with their short stubby trees in the front yard and depressing landscape of identical houses. I need to move soon. Very soon or I'm going to be stuck in my townhouse for another year. People don't move in Minnesota in the winter. It's just too damn cold. Besides, I want to be all settled in before the holidays and Lil's first birthday. Wawawa.

Here is the other list of things that I need to do.
1. Mail pile - it's huge. I know there are probably very important bills, letters and invitations in there but I have no time to go through the pile so it just grows.
2. Search for airline tickets to Montreal - we want to visit a good friend of ours over labor day weekend but the damn tickets are like $800+ each. Damn US dollar.
3. Hang Lil's 5 month pictures. Yes, she's 7 months old now so that tells you how long they've been sitting in my living room. They are framed but not on the wall. Yet.
4. Mail gift to mother in law and her friend as a thank-you for all the wonderful cooking they did for Lil's baptism.
5. Thank you cards for the baptism.
6. Deposit checks received from baptism.
7. Cleaning - seriously my bathroom is embarassing and every day my sister comes in there to wash Lily's face and hands for the day and I know she's thinking "my sister is dirteee".
8. Write in Lil's baby book. I want to write down and record every thing she does. I want to capture every expression and sound before I forget. She's just doing so many new things and changing so fast I can't keep up!

That's it for now. With all of that said I just want to say that I know this is the good stuff. I need more money, time and a new house but I know that this time with Lily is the best time of my life. Sometimes I just want to box up this time and save it forever because I know inside that it really doesn't get any better than this. If I could stay right here forever I would.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Another Baby?

First of all let me say that I am truly amazed at how fast time has passed and how my little Lily is going to be 7 months old. This year has been the fastest year of my entire life. Why do the shitty years last forever and the truly wonderful years just fly by? I guess that's a question for the universe t0 answer. I think having children is what really speeds up the clock. They grow up so fast and discover so many new things and pass milestones every week and it all just flies by. In a flash. Just last week my sister told me that Lily was sitting up in her crib. She had put her down flat on her back in her crib and when she came in to get her she had managed to sit up. All in one day she figured it out. She can now roll over from her tummy to her back, sit up straight for long periods of time unassisted and go from her belly to sitting up. I think crawling and standing on her own are not far off. I was rocking her to sleep the other night and I got tears in my eyes thinking of her being all grown up. Mother's can't rock grown ups to sleep anymore. Mother's can't feed their grown up children and wipe their mouths and kiss them one thousand times a day. You can't give them baths and sing crazy made up songs and make them laugh and giggle and coo when they are all grown up. I guess you could do these things but it would be weird. It dawned on me that this time when she is my baby is passing. Every day she needs me just a tiny bit less. Every day she figures out the world a little bit more on her own. And every day she lets me hold her for just a little less long before she wants to move out of my arms and wiggle around on her mat by herself. My new favorite thing is when I'm holding her or rocking her to sleep and she gazes up at me with her big blue eyes. Or when I'm driving and I look back at her and she's craning her neck to try and look at me from her car seat. I wait until a stop light and I look back at her and touch her sweet little head and she smiles. I don't think it's possible for me to love another human being more than I love her.

After saying all that the big question is do I want another baby. It seems like there is a six month grace period before people start asking about baby #2. My grace period is up and now the world is free to ask me this question. I love that people seem to forget that it took nearly four years to conceive her. They forget about my infertile past and just assume that now that I have a baby I'll just be a fertile myrtle and another baby will just be a piece of cake. Well it's not that easy for me. It's hard. It's really really hard to even think about going through all of that again. I was actually at a party this past weekend and two women were talking about this woman they know that has only one child and how selfish she is. Man, sometimes women can just be bitches. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the same thing about only children "they're selfish, spoiled, hard people to deal with, ADD, socially inept, loners". And the list goes on. I really don't know that many people with close relationships with their siblings. I have a sister and a brother who are 6 and 8 years older than me. None of us are particularly close. We like each other and we spend time together on holidays and sometimes socially. I felt like an only child while I was growing up because I had no relationship with them at all. I don't think either one noticed that I existed until I was 20. I was blessed with wonderful girlfriends at an early age and we are all still friends even now. They felt more like sisters to me than any family member ever could. They are the ones I called during every crisis and every heartbreak. My daughter will play with their kids like cousins since they are all around the same age. She will have lots of friends. But am I a bad mother if I don't give her a brother or a sister? My husband desperately wants another child. Especially a son. Am I bad wife if I don't want to go through this again? Yes, it was all worth it. I'm happy with Lily. I love being her mother. How would another baby change our relationship. She wouldn't be the baby anymore. I would have less time to dote on her and enjoy every smile, laugh and every amazing little thing that she does. Would another baby make me crankier and more tired than I already am and turn me into one of those mother's that I don't want to become. Or just inattentive because I'm too busy which could possibly be the worst thing of all.

I just don't know that I can do it again. I feel like my entire thirties were spent "trying" to have a baby. The timed intercourse, the trips to the fertility clinic, the miscarriages, the hopes and disappointments. It consumed every detail of my life for 4 long years. Now my life is about something completely different. The pain of those four years is finally starting to fade into the background. Those painful memories are being replaced by wonderful and beautiful experiences with my daughter. I'm happy. I am really and truly completely happy. Probably for the first time in my life.

I'm completely impressed by so many of my blog friends that escaped the trenches of infertilty and are already back in the stirrups trying and/or pregnant with baby #2. I truly commend you. I admire you. I just don't think I can do it. Maybe I'll change my mind. Thoughts?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

What I did on my summer vacation 2008

Here is a list of my accomplishments:

- Dusted my bedroom. I can't remember the last time I dusted and it was in dire need.
- Prepared 3 big bags to take to the salvation army.
- Cleaned out my closet
- Made baby food for Lily for the week
- Framed her latest portraits and a photo from my artist friend Kim
- Made 2 trips to the eye doctor and one trip to the dermatologist. Eye infection almost cleared up. Check. Check.
- Laundry. Laundry. Laundry
- Successfully got Lily to take both an afternoon and a morning nap. Crossing my fingers that my sister can keep up this schedule. The result is a much a happier baby.
- Spent lots of good quality time with my daughter.

I didn't get to go to Europe (again) this summer. I didn't have the money to rent a summer cabin like I wanted to. I didn't get together with some friends that I wanted to catch up with. And my house isn't as clean as I wanted it to be by the end of my vacation. I didn't work out everyday like I had planned and I didn't eat as healthy as I wanted to. But I think I did what's most important. I feel rested and refreshed and ready to go back to work with a new perspective. I spent most days being silly with Lily which is exactly what I wanted to do.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Good Mothering

Today I felt like a good mother. I made Lily laugh countless times. Big full belly laughs. I made her homemade baby food while she played in her pack and play and watched me in the kitchen. We made squash, sweet potatoes and carrots. I took her for a walk. We cuddled. We napped. It was an all around perfect mother/daughter day. I've been off work all week because my nanny/sister is on vacation so subsequently I am on vacation. My heart is so huge with love for her that I can hardly stand it sometimes. I love that she cries when other people hold her and then I hold her and she stops crying. I love her big gummy toothless smile. I can honestly say that I've never been this happy in my life. Despite the sleepless nights, the crazy hectic pace of my life these days, despite my new found poverty and huge credit card balance, despite it all I've never felt this fulfilled and this completely satisfied with my life. Every night when I go to bed I thank God for giving me Lily. And every night I can't wait until morning so I can see her and have another day with her. And, I feel like I'm doing a good job at being a mother. Sure, I do have bouts of mom guilt when she spends too much time in her pack and play or especially when I leave for work in the morning. But for the most part, she's a happy, good tempered baby. She sleeps mostly through the night, even though I get up often (too often) to check on her. I'm so paranoid of her rolling over on her stomach so I run in there at every noise. We had her six month check-up yesterday and here are her stats.

Weight - 15 lbs 4 oz. 45% percentile
Height - 27 inches 80% percentile
Head - 65 percentile

She passed all the milestones. She rolls over. She can sit by herself with support. She can pass things from hand to hand. She grabs at everything. She's starting to scoot herself on her belly and begin to get up on all fours. I think crawling is within weeks. Yikes! I better get my floors clean!

I use to think that I would never want to be a stay at home mom but after this week I'm starting to change my mind. I think I'll cry when I have to go back to work next week. We're having so much fun! Tomorrow we're off to lunch with Daddy and then to the museum with my friend Sarah and her little girl. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Just plain tired

I'm tired.

I'm always tired.

I'm wondering if there will ever come a day when I'm not tired.

I feel like I've been tired forever.

I'm tired of being tired.

Lily sleeps but she still gets up at 5 am. sometimes 4:30 am. Sometimes I can bring her to bed with me until 6ish but neither yesterday nor today was one of those days. Sometimes I can fall back asleep and sometimes I just can't. I went to bed at 10 pm and despite getting 7 hours of sleep I'm still tired. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on some sleep this weekend. We don't have any plans for the 4th so I'm really looking forward to doing nothing or just random things that come up. I do have one episode of Tori & Dean to catch up on and a parade to go to but other than that we have no plans. We might take Lily to the pool for the first time. We might go for a walk around one of the 10,000 or so lakes that we have here in Minnesota. Or we might just do nothing besides sit on our patio, sleep late, take naps, cuddle and stare at our baby. I am planning on making some baby food this weekend: sweet potatoes, carrots and squash are on the baby menu. Brats, tuna salad and wine are on mom's menu. I'm also on vacation until July 14th so I have an entire week to spend doing fun things around town with Lily. I'm thinking we'll go to a museum, lunch with some of my yoga friends and maybe take in a storytime or two in there. I'm really looking forward to spending some good quality baby time with Lily. It's amazing how much of their lives you miss when you have to work all day. I'm lucky that I just work three days a week but even that makes me feel like I'm missing out.

Happy 4th!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Tori & Dean

Summer TV is really depressing. There is absolutely nothing on. I hate America's Got Talent. I have no interest in watching that japenese game show or any of the other crap on TV. TV is my thing. I know I should read a book or exercise or do something productive with my time. But the truth is that after a long day, after I rock the baby to sleep, run up and down the stairs a few times to put the nuk back in her mouth, make dinner, eat dinner, put the dishes in the dishwasher, there is nothing I like better than to veg out on the couch and watch TV for an hour before I go to bed. So this is where Tori & Dean come in. I am forcing myself to like this show. I don't think reality television can get any worse than Tori & Dean but Oxygen can begrudingly add me as another viewer to their nielsen ratings. Oh what I wouldn't give for a Real Housewives of NYC or I'd even take a mini-series like last summer's Starter Wife. But I guess I'm stuck with Tori & Dean :-(

Here is where I have to vent about last night's episode: First of all I have to say that Tori Sp.elling is a huge baby and a big whiner and she is not an attractive girl. I do have to say that their little boy Liam is adorable and fun to watch. I loved Tori & Dean's conversation last night about this scuba instructor that Tori is all jealous of. Dean's new hobby is scuba and Tori went on a scuba trip with him and she complained the entire time that she was sea sick. She's worried that since Dean cheated on his wife with Tori that Dean will do the same thing to her. No duh Tori. Once a cheater always a cheater. Oh and she was complaining about how they can't afford a very expensive house and that realtors probably think that because she's Tori Sp.elling she should be able to afford to buy a certain kind of house. Then, they showed the kind of houses that they were looking at and they were at least 2 to 3 million plus. I don't know the CA real estate market very well but I'm guessing that 5 bedrooms and a pool near the ocean ain't cheap. Poor girl. So that's how I'll be spending my Tuesday evenings....watching the struggles of ex-902010'er Tori & Dean. On a more interesting note, here's a video I took on our way to IN of Lily sneezing. So cute. Much more fun to watch than Tori & Dean. I took it with my camera phone so it's a little grainy.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


Lily got her first present from Tiffany's. A little piggy bank from our friends W & J. I think the best part of getting a gift from Tiffany's is the blue box with the white ribbon. Here's a photo of the piggy bank. It is so cute!

The Baptism

We christened our Lily this past weekend in Indiana. She was so good during the entire hour long service. She didn't cry or squirm or anything even when they put her in the water and poured water over her head. Her godfather held her during the service and she listened the everything the Priest was saying and listened to all the singing. At the end the Priest even said that he wished all babies were as good as she was during the christening. She made her Mama and Tata so proud! It meant a lot to me that she was baptized in the same church as B. Her christening gown was absolutely beautiful. Her godfather bought it for her and it came with a little cape and matching bonnet. I'll take a photo this weekend and upload it. After the service we went back to my in-laws where my MIL and her friends had prepared an absolutely amazing feast. We ordered an entire lamb that was freshly cooked on a spit in the morning before the baptism and brought to the house. My MIL made chicken, pita, salads, mastacholi, fish and two different cakes. I made petit fours a few weeks ago and froze them and served them at the reception. It felt good to make a small contribution. Both my mom and dad were able to make it all the way there from Minnesota. Which is saying a lot since they are both handicapped (dad from polio, mom with MS). My dad even made it down the stairs into their basement for the lunch. I was totally surprised but he made it. The weather was even perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better day for my daughter's baptism.

Now we're back home and life is returning to normal after two weeks of being off of our normal schedules with my in-laws here and then us going there for the baptism. Lily's sleeping is sort of hit or miss these days. Unless of course I bring her to bed with us and then she sleeps until we wake up. I know it's a bad habit but I love it when she sleeps with us. I put her in her crib around 7:30, then she sleeps until 4 or 5 and then I bring her in for the last hour or two. That's not too bad right? At least she's not sleeping with us the entire night (at least that's how I rationalize it).

Okay back to work....