Tuesday, August 19, 2008

My Husband

B and I had a long talk last night. One of those three hour marathon "state of the union" talks. I could have talked another three hours but it was midnight and nothing was getting resolved and it all sort of seemed pointless. Here's the thing: I started crying Sunday night while I was lying in bed because of some selfish act on B's part and it all just sort of hit me. I so desperately want to create this perfect family for Lily that I let B get away with a lot of selfish inconsiderate things because I don't want to argue. B is a great father. He loves Lily like crazy and smothers her with kisses on a daily basis. He never complains about helping out with her or putting her to bed or giving baths. He's an active, involved wonderful father. But he acts like his time is so much more valuable than my time. I spend ALL my time either taking care of Lily or cooking or doing something around the house. I rarely have ME time. And if B doesn't get his "me" time he freaks out. He needs to work out, play soccer, run his thousand+ errands yadayada. And I'm just frustrated and I'm irritated. I wish he was a little more committed to making me happy or doing things that would make me happy. Like, plan a vacation for us. Or buy me flowers or something that shows he cares about me. Everything is always about HIM. Okay so here's something I would like an opinion on that we can't seem to agree on:

On Saturday he says to me "Hey, I bought you a present". I get all excited not thinking it was anything big or expensive just at the thought that he thought of me. It turned out to be some $10 little thing which was nice. Later on that day he mentions that he bought it out of our joint spending account. We each have our own accounts and a joint account. I was totally irritated and told him to return it. Am I just being bitchy? Or, can anyone see my point about how this isn't exactly a "present' . And it's just $10 aren't I worth that? That's how I felt. Opinons??

Then as I was laying in bed crying I realized that I'm doing exactly what my mother did. Pretending things are all peachy and rosy and in reality they are not. I'm so worried about giving Lily this idyllic childhood that I didn't have that I'm losing my own voice in my marriage. Looking back now I think one of the most powerful things my mother could do for me would be to acknowledge that I didn't have a good childhood and that she's sorry. Instead she says things like "we always had the most wonderful holidays didn't we". I realize she's trying to remember the "good times" but I would like some mention of the bad times. Just to make it seem more real. I don't want to do that to Lily. I can't give her a perfect childhood. But, I can give her a pretty good one with two parents who love and adore her. Our marriage has problems that we need to work on. Neither one of us are going anywhere. We're committed to each other and we love each other but we need to do some work. Pretending that the issues aren't there isn't going to solve anything.

We went through 3+ years of infertility and then finally having our beautiful daughter. Life has been sort of crazy and I think we need to reconnect with each other and I don't know how to do that. I don't want to turn into one of those couples that have nothing to say to each other when they go out to dinner and just sit in silence.


Heather said...

Wow! This is a great topic that I could write volumes on. Considering I have an 7 year old daughter, I've been in the trenches on this one. I always say that the first year of marriage and the first year of having the first child are the hardest on a marriage. So hang in there.

But you need to communicate with your DH. Try not to be a nag, but let him know what your needs are and how you can try to have everyone's needs met. Don't bury your resentment and try to make everything hunky-dory. Make it like a conversation with your DH of that you're trying to figure out how to meet your needs. Maybe you want to make time to exercise, take a bath, finish a magazine from beginning to end, get your hair done, whatever. Try not to get it to explosion status. Try to deal with each situation one at a time. You guys are a team, both in raising your child, as well as making your lives work.

Another thing, as it will come up. There have been times that our DD has heard us have a "disagreement". I also had a lot of arguments in the dysfunctional family I came from. But DH and I are different. We have a healthy relationship, that does sometimes include disagreements. Our daughter is very sensitive and she'll get upset and ask if we're going to get divorced (I have no idea where she got that one!). I have explained to her that just like she has disagreements with Mommy, Daddy and her friends, that we have them too. It's just part of living together and being friends.

Hope this helps! Hang in there. I do think this was harder than even the first year of marriage!!! And we had been married 6 years before our daughter came along!

nikole said...

I'm sorry that things are so tough for you right now. Babies do a number on a relationship, for sure. That on top of years of infertility is really hard. We have seen a therapist to help us through it.

I hope that you can find your voice again. I also struggle with not wanting to have conflict, but I'm trying to model healthy relationships for my daughter - and that means showing that disagreements happen AND that they can be worked through. I also struggle with finding *me* time - it is so hard! Hang in there...

Keeping The Faith said...

I think it's great that you attempted to open up to your husband. I'm sure he wants you to be happy. Some men need a hammer over the head to get it. They aren't as observant and don't get hints. I find that I have to just "take" sometimes. I give and give and give. Once in a while I just tell him straight out what I'm doing or what he needs to do for me. Not very romantic but at least I get out and do a few things and have some me time once in a while. Then I'm happier and trust me...A happier me makes a happier home and husband. Once your husband realizes that he'll be more accommodating. And I find I have to have something in my life outside of just being a mom. That of course is my most important role but I want to have other aspects in my life too...w/ that you have stuff to talk about over dinner.

Just don't settle. You deserve better.