The pump and dump

I'm an idiot. A big fat idiot similar to Rush Limbaugh. Last night in a desperate effort to sleep I took Unisom. Unisom is safe during pregnancy and I took it from time to time when I was pregnant so I assumed it was safe for breastfeeding. Turns out, not so much. So I'm pumping and dumping for the next two days thanks to the relatively long half life of unisom. There is nothing worse than seeing your hard earned and pumped milk be poured out and whisked down the drain. Ugh. Well, of course there are worse things but I'm just pissed that I didn't research this more before taking it last night. I did get a great night of sleep so that's one good thing. I resorted to sleeping in the spare bedroom. Lily likes to make all sorts of grunting and groaning noises that are sweet and adorable little baby noises but I'm a light sleeper and I keep waking up. So I left B and Lily and slept in the other room. I could still hear her and did wake up for the feedings but I was able to sleep soundly between them which was a very nice bonus.

Tonight B is at a happy hour with co-workers. I wanted to make him feel guilty about not coming straight home after work but I didn't have the heart. He's been so wonderful and amazing that I actually want him to go out and have some fun. It must be true love :-) Tomorrow night I'm going to a bachelorette sort of party thing and he was so supportive of me getting out that I didn't have the heart to make him feel guilty about going out after work.

On a positive note: since I'm on a mandatory pump and dump for the next 48 hours I think I'll enjoy several wonderful glasses of Pinot Noir.

Wow this is hard

I'm not sure what happened to my quiet, peaceful little bundle of joy but yesterday she turned into a different baby. She pretty much cried from morning until night. I pretty much cried from morning until night too. I hated seeing her so upset and me not knowing what was wrong or what to do. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I didn't know if she was in pain or what the problem was but nothing soothed her. I haven't slept much the past two nights and I'm sure that's not helping the situation. B going back to work on Tuesday hasn't helped either. Everything worked perfectly the past three weeks with him at home. I actually thought I was pretty good at the mom thing, maybe even a natural. But he's only been at work for two days and I'm falling apart. The days are long. It's hard to find the time to pump, wash the bottles and feed her when she's crying hysterically. I feel like I'm at a stand still with the breastfeeding situation. I don't know how to make her go to the breast full time. She will go there and latch on and sit there and suck for almost one hour sometimes and then she's hungry at the end of it. So I don't know if I should just put her back on the breast, give her a bottle or what to do. I'm not sure how much she gets when she goes there but when I pump afterwards I get about 3 oz. so it seems like she didn't get much of anything. It's all very stressful. I didn't think it would be this stressful or this hard. Stupid me.

My good friend H came over yesterday when I was in crisis and set up my bouncy chair. So far it seems like a life saver. She loves sitting in it. In fact, she's sleeping in it right now. I'm not sure if it was gas yesterday or what but there's nothing worse than seeing your child crying and not knowing what to do. I felt so helpless.

Let's hope this gets easier or I get better at it or I get some sleep. I'll take any one of the three.

New Mom - Day 19

I don't think there is a greater joy on earth than watching American Idol with Lily sleeping in the pack and play next to me - while I sip a glass of wine. She makes all these little wimper sounds that make it seem like she's going to cry but she doesn't. It makes me wonder if she's a happy baby or if she's wimpering over the fact that it takes me so long to warm up her bottle and that by the time I get it to her she's downloaded into panic and wails and screams until it's finally ready and she gets to eat. If she hadn't rejected my breast on day 1 then I wouldn't have had to resort to pump and refridgerate and reheat. Then she smiles and laughs and makes all these giggly noises so I must be doing something right. Man, this girl loves to eat. Loves to eat.

I'll have to write more later - she's starting to wake up and the pump. refridgerate. reheat cycle is about to begin again.

It's amazing how having a baby disrupts even the most tedious of routines. My day pre-baby use to begin with reading the newspaper for about a good hour and a half. I'd read the paper, watch the Today Show, drink my coffee and slowly begin my day. My day would end with me watching/falling asleep to Sex and the City at around 10 or 10:30. I'd sleep for my usual 7 to 8 hours and begin the next day all over again pretty much the same way. I have yet to read the newspaper or watch an episode of Sex and the City...since baby. Now my days and nights are pretty much meshed together. I try to get about 2.5 hours of sleep at a time. I'm up around 1ish and then again around 3ish and 6ish. I usually go back to bed after the 6/7ish feeding and sleep until about 9. That extra 1.5 hours seems to be the dividing line between functional and non-functional. Last night I handed Lily off to my husband to feed her and went upstairs to watch Sex and the City. I laid my head down at 9:55 and didn't wake up until 1:00 when he brought her upstairs and laid her in her crib next to me. One of these days I'll get to watch it again. I'm not missing much since I've seen every episode a half dozen times and I'd much rather be watching her anyway than a TV show...she's much more entertaining.

My husband started back to work today. It has been so great having him home to help. I wish he could stay home with me the entire three months but that isn't financially possible for us. I'm thankful he got to be off work for almost three weeks especially since I had to have a C-section. My mom came over today in the afternoon and my friend Jocelyn stopped by in the morning for awhile. It's nice to have friends/family stop over during the day - it helps break the day up and make it go faster until B gets home from work.

Time for another feeding. More later.