Making time to blog

There are so many damn things to do in a day that by the end of it blogging is LOW on my priority list. But writing has always given me a sense of purpose and I love rereading my blog posts and diary entries so I know how much value it has. So I'm going to really try to get it back on track.

Here are a few Lily updates.
1. She's an official walker. 13 months almost to the day she just took off and she's not looking back. It's so adorable to see her and her little leggies walking.
2. She can do "So big" in english and serbian. B is trying to speak to her mostly in serbian and she is understanding him.
3. She is sleeping pretty well these days. Goes to bed right around 7 or 7:30 and has been sleeping until 6:30. Her morning nap can be anywhere from 30 min. to a full hour and then the afternoon nap is right about an hour.
4. She drinks a full 8 oz in the morning and then two 5 oz bottles during the day and then anotehr 8 oz at night before bed. She eats three meals and usually one snap. Loves spinach and sweet potatoes and she seems to really like chicken a lot. She's not so keep on beef. I try and do most of the cooking for she eats pretty well as long as she' s entertained with a toy or something interesting. As soon as she's bored those lips shut and you can't get anything in. But the minute you give her something new to play with she opens up and wide as can be an eats like a champ. She's has me totally wrapped around her cute little finger.
5. Her love affair with her piggy is still going strong. She loves that stuffed animal. She's such an affectionate and loving little baby. Always giving us kisses and hugs. She loves to hug her stuffed animals and give them kisses.
6. She just started to like to clean up with a paper towel. She'll wipe the tables and the sofa with the paper towel like she's cleaning.
7. She also like to take everything out of her laundry basket and out of her toy bins. Putting things away is a different story. But she's a pro at taking things out and throwing them on the floor.
8. She loves her books. Sometimes in the morning she'll just sit on the floor by her stack of books and sit there for like 20 minutes and look through each one.

Anyway now about me. Well I am loving my new house and all the space that we have her for Lily to play. I still have some redecorating to do (once I get some cash) to make it more my style but I really love the open space and the fact that we have a dining room and formal living room. I wasn't too happy about having a gas fireplace instead of wood burning but I have to stay I have fallen in love with that fireplace over the past month when it has been like -20 degrees every single day in January. I love working at home and having my sister as my nanny taking care of Lily while I'm working. It's nice to be at home and still be able to come downstairs and have lunch with her and play sometimes throughout the day. I think she's getting a little confused with me here though because she doesn't understand why I keep leaving to go upstairs and she wants to stay by me but I hand her off to my sister when I have to get back to work. That part is an adjustment for her. I'm just so thankful that I don't have her in daycare.

I've been trying to get back on weight watchers and count my points daily. I definitely went off my points yesterday with the super bowl and eating at old country buffet for my aunt's birthday (her choice not mine). I really want to be able to lose weight before spring. We have so many wonderful trails around here and I just can't wait to get outside in my backyard. For the first time I'm actually looking forward to spring and summer. We have a nice deck with a gazebo and a big back yard. I can't wait to have friends over for BBQ's. I just never felt like I had enough space at our townhouse to entertain and it always stressed me out because there was never enough room. But the kitchen, family room and deck are all open with big windows and I just can't wait to have everything open and the fresh air coming in. And for Lily to get to play outside in her sandbox.

Now if we could just find a renter for our townhouse. We thought we had someone signed up for a one year lease but it sounds like they might be backing out. If that could happen then we'd be all set.

When I look back at all the things I wanted for my life before I had Lily I can honestly say that I have it. This is pretty much what I wanted. I wanted to work and have a career but still be able to spend quality time with her. I couldn't imagine her having to go to daycare 10 hours a day but at the same time I wanted to work. So this really is the perfect situation. My mom comes over a lot during the day and sometimes my neice comes by. I love the feeling of my home being filled with people and family. When it comes down to it family is what is most important and I'm so thankful for mine.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hoursin a day are not enough, remember the story of the mayonnaise jar andthe 2 BeersA professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items infront of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very largeand empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. Hethen asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into thejar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areasbetween the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar wasfull. They agreed it was.The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more ifthe jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and pouredthe entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty spacebetween the sand. The students laughed.'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you torecognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are theimportant things---your family, your children, your health, your friendsand your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and onlythey remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the otherthings that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand iseverything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jarfirst,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golfballs. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy onthe small stuff you will never have room for the things that areimportant to you. 'Pay attention to the things that are critical to yourhappiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents.Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take yourspouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time toclean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf ballsfirst---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest isjust sand.'One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beerrepresented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' Thebeer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there'salways room for a couple of beers with a friend.' Please share this withsomeone you care about.

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. 2008 Review.

Since forming sentences in a witty and metaphorical fashion will take precious time and energy that I simply do not have, I am going to write in spurts instead. I want to remember this year since it was the biggest year of my life and I think I did a poor job of detailing it but I must at least attempt to get something down in this blog about 2008.

So what did I do in 2008 that makes it such a big important year?
I HAD A BABY. I BOUGHT A HOUSE. I GOT A NEW JOB. The later two happened within the last month. The baby part happened actually in 2007 but since she was only a few days old I'm going to squeek her in as a 2008 event if you don't mind. I've had no time to blog with the house hunting, house packing and eventual house purchasing, moving and now unpacking. Christmas this year was devine. First of all I have to mention that I've sat through many many years of boring christmases wishing and hoping and praying for one day to have a child of my own. I did breath in and out a few wonderful signs of complete blissful happiness on Christmas Eve as I watched Lily crawling all over my sister's house, pulling herself up on everything, playing with the wrapping paper and bows and marveling at the Christmas tree. She entertained my whole family and made everyone laugh. We were all taking her picture so much that she grabbed my mom's camera and actually put it up to her little eye to take our picture. I love love love that girl more than I ever though my heart could love anything on this earth. My mom stayed over in our new house on Christmas Eve and Lily and I went in my mom's room and woke her up on Christmas morning. Then we went downstairs and opened presents. I did manage to put up a Christmas tree in our new house and actually had it decorated and presents were wrapped underneath. I feel pretty accomplished about this. I felt so happy and grateful to be in our new house with my husband, daughter and mom on Christmas morning. And I felt so very lucky. I didn't let the fact that so many people have so little this time of year get lost on me. I truly felt thankful. My brother came over too so I made dinner for everyone. Then B and I crashed on the couch with some wine and enjoyed the fireplace with our stockings glowing on the mantel in the background. I'm not sure if it is having a child or having an actual home of our own but this year I really felt Christmas for this first time since I was a child.

Lily's first birthday. My sweetheart turned ONE on December 28th. I can't believe she is one year old already. Where has the time gone. It's just flying by. Some times I just want to squeeze her and hold her tight and keep her my little baby forever. B and I threw a great first birthday party for her at our church. Our house wasn't first birthday party ready so we opted to have it at the church hall. There were about 30 adults 8 kids there. Both me and Lily had colds so we weren't feeling the best. My good friend Jill who is a librarian read stories and sang songs for the kids. B and I bought her this little cart that she can push at FAO Schwartz. It's made in Italy and it is just the most adorable thing. B was so excited to give it to her but when she saw it she was afraid of it. Now of course she is pushing that thing all over the place and she loves it. Her cake was a winnie the pooh, tigger and piglet cake. It was a great party and even though we were rushing up until the very end to get the balloons up and the hall decorated it all turned out great. We even panicked at one point because the lock was frozen to the church and people were about to arrive and we couldn't get in. But B said a prayer since we were at a church it seemed appropriate and wala the lock opened!

There is so much more I want to write but right now I'm at my in-laws and they are going to babysit tonight so B and I can go to a movie and I need to get Lily ready for bed. We haven't had a date night in forever.

Happy 2009 everyone out there.

Letting myself go

Let's see it's been almost 2 months since I've written. I'm not sure if I even have any readers left but this blog is suppose to be for me anyway right? Well after we went on vacation to Canada over labor day things were pretty rough after we returned home. Lily's schedule was completely off. She would wake up at 4 or 5 everyday and wanted to start her day at that time. Then, she got sick right after we got home too and that threw things off even more. I guess we should consider ourselves lucky that we made it almost 8 months without her being sick. But sick babies are no fun. I felt so helpless because she was so stuffy and at night she kept waking up and couldn't breath. It just broke my heart. Then, of course I got sick right after that. Which really sucked. There was no laying in bed all day watching TV as I did before I had a child. Oh no, my life was just as hectic as always except I was miserably sick. The month of September was just difficult. I think I was exhausted the entire month. But October has definitely been better. In fact, today Lily and I slept until 9 am. It was amazing. Also, in August I had joined weight watchers. I was so committed and excited about my weight loss. I had lost 7 lbs within 2 weeks right before we left on vacation. While we were in Canada I went off my diet and I'm so sad to report that I've not only gained all 7lbs back but another 3. It is so depressing. Lily is coming up on a year and I wanted to at least lost all of my baby weight before her first birthday. I still have two months so all is not lost. But I need to find the ambition. I just feel like I've let myself go physically. I've gotten into this pattern of eating unhealthy and way too much and I just keep doing it. I know it started in September when I was so tired every single day and food just seemed to be the only thing that made me feel good. It wasn't a good pattern and I know I need to break it. I need to start excercising again and getting healthy. But at the end of a long day it's hard to motivate myself to get off the couch. But I need to.

Let's talk about something else. My lovely Lily. She is crawling all over, walking on furniture and saying Mamamamama. Her temper have definitely appeared. When she wants something she means business. For Halloween she's going to be a pink french poodle. Tomorrow we are going to Anoka (the halloween capital of the world for those of you that don't know) for a parade. B and I are going to do the 1mile walk with Lily in the stroller. Then off to my good friend Sarah's house for dinner. I've managed to started feeding Lily the little puffy cheerio things and she's starting to figure out how to put those in her mouth. I bought her some little cookies and she's snacking on those a little. She also eats bits of banana now. She loves to pull her hair, my hair and anyone's hair. She just started clapping her hands together just this week (at 9.5 months). She sings all the time. She loves my laptop and wants to pound on the keys everytime I bring it out. I usually let her but she's managed to lock it up on a few occassions. She's my darling little angel and I couldn't love anything more. But I do need to put a little focus back on myself and get myself back in shape. Monday I'll get started.

Only 1.5 more weeks before election day. I can't wait for Obama to be our next president. Obama. Obama. Obama!!!!!

8 months

My sweetheart will be 8 months old tomorrow. I cannot believe it has been 8 months since she was born. This year is just flying by and my little angel is getting so big. She is actively crawling now and can get just about anywhere. She eats three solid meals a day and drinks right around 21-27 ounces of formula. I'm a little unsure about when to start finger foods and what type to offer her. She only has two bottom teeth so I'm not sure how I could give her a cracker or cheerio yet. Won't she choke?

My Lily is a great sleeper. She goes to bed right around 7:30pm and sleeps until 6:30 or 7ish. This schedule makes for a very happy momma. Of course I get up a few times during the night to check on her and flip her back over onto her back. Is it okay to leave her on her belly if she flips during the night? I'm not sure what to do there so I just get up when I hear her turn and flip her back over.

She hugs me now really tight around my neck when I get home from work. She loves her toys and gets super excited when she sees a new toy. Christmas is going to be so much fun this year watching her get excited about her presents and toys. My mom brought her over a little toy today and I wasn't home but both my mom and sister said that she just laughed and laughed and was so happy and excited by her new toy. It was this pink purse that played music. I was at work but it makes me so happy that Lily has my sister as her nanny and my mom can come over during the afternoon and spend time with her. If you have to work I don't think there is a better scenario.

Oh and we put an offer in on a new house. We put the offer in on Tuesday and still haven't heard yet. It was a pretty low ball offer in a great neighborhood so we're crossing our fingers. We're taking Lily on her first airplane ride this weekend. We're visiting some friends in Canada for the long weekend. I'm a little nervous navigating the airport with her but I'm sure between the two of us we'll figure it out.

Wish us luck on the house!

My Husband

B and I had a long talk last night. One of those three hour marathon "state of the union" talks. I could have talked another three hours but it was midnight and nothing was getting resolved and it all sort of seemed pointless. Here's the thing: I started crying Sunday night while I was lying in bed because of some selfish act on B's part and it all just sort of hit me. I so desperately want to create this perfect family for Lily that I let B get away with a lot of selfish inconsiderate things because I don't want to argue. B is a great father. He loves Lily like crazy and smothers her with kisses on a daily basis. He never complains about helping out with her or putting her to bed or giving baths. He's an active, involved wonderful father. But he acts like his time is so much more valuable than my time. I spend ALL my time either taking care of Lily or cooking or doing something around the house. I rarely have ME time. And if B doesn't get his "me" time he freaks out. He needs to work out, play soccer, run his thousand+ errands yadayada. And I'm just frustrated and I'm irritated. I wish he was a little more committed to making me happy or doing things that would make me happy. Like, plan a vacation for us. Or buy me flowers or something that shows he cares about me. Everything is always about HIM. Okay so here's something I would like an opinion on that we can't seem to agree on:

On Saturday he says to me "Hey, I bought you a present". I get all excited not thinking it was anything big or expensive just at the thought that he thought of me. It turned out to be some $10 little thing which was nice. Later on that day he mentions that he bought it out of our joint spending account. We each have our own accounts and a joint account. I was totally irritated and told him to return it. Am I just being bitchy? Or, can anyone see my point about how this isn't exactly a "present' . And it's just $10 aren't I worth that? That's how I felt. Opinons??

Then as I was laying in bed crying I realized that I'm doing exactly what my mother did. Pretending things are all peachy and rosy and in reality they are not. I'm so worried about giving Lily this idyllic childhood that I didn't have that I'm losing my own voice in my marriage. Looking back now I think one of the most powerful things my mother could do for me would be to acknowledge that I didn't have a good childhood and that she's sorry. Instead she says things like "we always had the most wonderful holidays didn't we". I realize she's trying to remember the "good times" but I would like some mention of the bad times. Just to make it seem more real. I don't want to do that to Lily. I can't give her a perfect childhood. But, I can give her a pretty good one with two parents who love and adore her. Our marriage has problems that we need to work on. Neither one of us are going anywhere. We're committed to each other and we love each other but we need to do some work. Pretending that the issues aren't there isn't going to solve anything.

We went through 3+ years of infertility and then finally having our beautiful daughter. Life has been sort of crazy and I think we need to reconnect with each other and I don't know how to do that. I don't want to turn into one of those couples that have nothing to say to each other when they go out to dinner and just sit in silence.

A Good Day

The most perfect day ever.

75 degrees. A day wine tasting with my good friends. A picnic. A few bottles of red wine. No clouds outside or inside. Perfection. Here's proof.

So much to do

Every day the list of things I NEED to get done grows and fewer items get checked off the list before new things to-do get added. It is unrelenting. Where are people suppose to find the time to get all the stuff done in life that we need to get done, plus work, plus spend quality time with babies and husbands? There is the basic stuff like grocery shopping, food preparation, showering that MUST happen if I want to be a clean and well fed individual. When push comes to shove I can usually put showering on the luxury-time list and add a little extra time in my day. Housecleaning and my own personal laundry never seems to get done. Baby's laundry gets done almost daily but I'm down to my last pair of underwear as we speak and it's questionable if my laundry will get done today so who knows tomorrow may be commando. There is also the search for a new house. This search began officially about a year and a half ago. I did put it on the back burner while I was pregnant because the thought of moving was just too much to deal with but I did look. Now, the search is full throttle and I CAN'T FIND A HOUSE TO BUY. Every time I turn on the frickin' TV they keep talking about the real estate market and how great it is to be a home buyer right now yadayadayada. Well either I'm too picky or too cheap. I suspect it's a combination of both. Cheap & picky doesn't get you too far in the housing market no matter what the outlook. Then there is the urban vs. suburban question. I swore up and down that I was going to buy a house back in the city, back where the cool people live with their tree-lined streets and coffee houses. But that too is fading to black. The houses are too damn small! And too expensive. Seriously, I cannot move the fam into a house with one bathroom. It just can't happen. And what is with the bungalow's? Two bedrooms on the main floor and then a big useless loft upstairs with low dormers that a person of normal height (B is 6'3) can't stand in. So I've decided (mostly) to stay in the suburbs. But all the houses I find are sooo painfully ugly and soooo suburban looking with their short stubby trees in the front yard and depressing landscape of identical houses. I need to move soon. Very soon or I'm going to be stuck in my townhouse for another year. People don't move in Minnesota in the winter. It's just too damn cold. Besides, I want to be all settled in before the holidays and Lil's first birthday. Wawawa.

Here is the other list of things that I need to do.
1. Mail pile - it's huge. I know there are probably very important bills, letters and invitations in there but I have no time to go through the pile so it just grows.
2. Search for airline tickets to Montreal - we want to visit a good friend of ours over labor day weekend but the damn tickets are like $800+ each. Damn US dollar.
3. Hang Lil's 5 month pictures. Yes, she's 7 months old now so that tells you how long they've been sitting in my living room. They are framed but not on the wall. Yet.
4. Mail gift to mother in law and her friend as a thank-you for all the wonderful cooking they did for Lil's baptism.
5. Thank you cards for the baptism.
6. Deposit checks received from baptism.
7. Cleaning - seriously my bathroom is embarassing and every day my sister comes in there to wash Lily's face and hands for the day and I know she's thinking "my sister is dirteee".
8. Write in Lil's baby book. I want to write down and record every thing she does. I want to capture every expression and sound before I forget. She's just doing so many new things and changing so fast I can't keep up!

That's it for now. With all of that said I just want to say that I know this is the good stuff. I need more money, time and a new house but I know that this time with Lily is the best time of my life. Sometimes I just want to box up this time and save it forever because I know inside that it really doesn't get any better than this. If I could stay right here forever I would.