Little Lil'

She turned 6 weeks old yesterday and already she's changed so much. She's starting to recognize me now and when I kiss her neck and face she starts to laugh. Not a big belly laugh but she opens her mouth big and wide like she wants to but nothing comes out just yet. She's starting to sleep for longer stretches. Last night she went 5 hours in a row which is a big milestone for her. I wish that translated into me getting more sleep but it hasn't yet. I still wake up just a few minutes before she does. No matter where she is in the house and even if I'm not within ear shot I still wake up just before she does. I guess we're still in sync. She hates it when her feet get caught in her onesie so I went and bought her some more outfits today that don't have feet in them. It seems like she likes these better. She definitely still dislikes her baths and is not too found of diaper or clothes changes. She is making progess with the diaper change and doesn't cry every time we change her but almost. She sleeps so still sometimes that I still have to check to make sure she's breathing. I know she's tired when she stares off into space for a few minutes. Then sometimes after she finally closes her little eyes she'll laugh. It is the sweetest little sound I've ever heard. My mother in law says that she thinks that's when they talk to the angels. I like that idea alot. Maybe my grandma is tickling her nose and that's what makes her laugh. Me and B have a zillion little nicknames for her. Here are a few:
1. Matso (serbian for little one)
2. Baybo (serbian for baby)
3. Angel pie
4. Liljo
5. LD
6. Lil' Jana (her given name is Liljana so Lil' Jana is her rapper name)

She loves her bouncy chair although I feel guilty if she sits in for too long. She also loves being swaddled in her moby wrap. Falling asleep on her dad's chest is also one of her favorite things. She has the most wonderful baby smell (even when she hasn't had a bath in over a week). I kiss her cheeks constantly. They are getting so nice and chubby. Her little leggies are fattening up too. I can't wait until she's full of little fat rolls. She has a love hate relationship with her nuk. She constantly wants it and spits it out at the same time.

I think she's awake now. More later.

The things I miss

There is a certain amount of guilt that comes along with admitting that you sort of miss things from you pre-baby life. Especially if, like me, you've been trying to have a baby for three years. I feel ungrateful if I even have thoughts about what life was like when I could leave the house and meet a friend for a drink last minute. But sometimes I do have those thoughts. I am only human right? Our life is so vastly different than it was only a few months ago. I do miss B and I going out together and the carefree lifestyle we use to have. The hard part is that we don't really have any one to help us with our daughter. My mother has MS and isn't able to watch her alone. B's family lives out of state which was something I use to cherish but now..not so much. My sister can help on occasion but I'm not sure how much I should ask her and I always feel awkward calling her and asking her to watch Lily. Tomorrow evenining she is going to watch Lily for a bit. I'm going to meet B after work and we're going to have dinner and drinks at our favorite place. Is it bad that I'm counting down the hours? It's hard being alone all day. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm depressed. It's the dead of winter here in Minnesota and it's cold and the days are long and dark. I know most women reading this blog don't need me to say this but I do just to make sure it's clear: I love her so much. I love everything about her. This doesn't have anything to do with her. I'm going to be a wonderful mother to her. I promise. But this part is sort of hard. I wonder all day long why I'm not one of those mom's that can't wait for the next poopy diaper. What's wrong with me? I really thought I'd be much better at this. If I could just get some sleep then I'm sure things would be much better. I think I'm going to try a new sleeping plan. Maybe if I go to bed at 8 or 8:30. Then B feeds her before he brings her to bed and then I do the late night feedings. This would give me a good 4+ hour stretch before the first feeding. Maybe that would help. Since B doesn't usually get home until 6 that doesn't give us much time together but I gotta do what I gotta do. Now the big question is can I fall asleep at 8:00 like a third grader? Oh well, it's worth a try.

Better - still pumping

When I get some sleep I actually feel like a normal person. My heart fills with love for my daughter and I get giddy when I hold her and kiss her little feet. All the joy of those early weeks with her return and I feel like myself again. Thoughts of my husband leaving me start to fade into the background (although he did threaten to leave me if I stop breastfeeding due to child endangerment - I think he was kidding though not sure) and are replaced by happy family thoughts once again. Friday was a rough day. Lily wouldn't stop crying for some unknown reason although I may have had too much coffee that day trying to force myself to have enough energy to care for her. My mom came over and tried to help with dishes and bottles and holding her. It did help but I still felt like a big mess. We had friends coming over for dinner that night that I ended up calling and canceling which I never do. I smoked about four cigarettes which ended my breastfeeding for the day and drank a bunch of wine (like three glasses although wanted much more). I did numb myself out enough to get a good night of sleep. B was nice enough to take over the night time feedings to let me sleep. Although I do have to say that the time it takes him to heat the bottle and feed her seems like an excruciatingly long amount of time. He gets the burp cloth positioned symetrically on his shoulder,, straightens out the blanket she's in, does some neck stretch excercises and then proceeds to put the bottle in her mouth. All the while she's whailing away. I can't stand the crying, possibly because I listen to it most of the day and when he comes home from work he's sort of unfazed by it and it doesn't bother him.

Saturday I awoke fully rested. Threw the pack of cigarettes away. I quit smoking about a year and half ago so not sure why I felt compelled to run out and buy a pack on Friday. It's amazing after all this time how one cigarette can make it seem like you never even quit. B encouraged me to make plans on Saturday and enjoy my afternoon. So I did. I had lunch at Old Country Buffet (not my choice but my Aunt's birthday lunch choice) where I possibly may have contracted either TB or Bird Flu. After lunch, I went to purchase the Moby Wrap, http://www.mobywrap.com/ thinking that what me and baby really need is to be tied together all day and then that will solve all of our problems. Afterall the babies on the website sure look peaceful and happy. Then I went to Aveda and bought some hair products. Sometimes just purchasing hair products can make you feel better even if you have no real need to actually do your hair. Works the same with lotion. Then I paid a visit to my friends Kim and Fred and had some wine with them until about 5:30 and then headed home. I called B on the way home thinking he'd ask me about my afternoon. Instead he asked me how production was going to be affected since I hadn't pumped in 6 hours. I was completely irritated and dreaded going home. I felt deflated. We ended up arguing most of Saturday evening. I ended the argument with saying "why don't you look at how stress affects production". I may have called him an asshole at this point but I can't remember.

Long story short he apologized alleging that he was just asking a question out of curiosity not judgment (yeah right). I'm still pumping although I've cut down to 5 times a day from 7 and so far it seems more manageable. So far. We'll just see how this goes. I'm not making any promises but I'm plugging along.

Exhausted

Shortly after my daughter was born I went through a period of euphoria. That lasted for about three solid weeks. I was euphoric that I survived infertility and managed to birth a healthy and beautiful baby girl. Euphoric that the long 40 weeks were over and all the worries about if she would be healthy were past. Then my husband went back to work and I was alone every day with my breast pump. Now at 5 weeks I find myself in the depths of the baby blues. I feel guilty for feeling blue because I love and adore her so much and I feel guilty for feeling sad on days like this. Why am I sad? I have no idea. I'm exhausted. I hate my breast pump. I sort of feel like I want to quit breast feeding and I feel guilty about having those thoughts. Does that mean that I'm a bad mother if I quit breast feeding? I'm so so so so tired. I can't seem to manage to get myself back to sleep after my daughter wakes up for her second feeding between 3:30 and 5:00 a.m. I've struggled with insominia on and off for most of my life. I took Ambien the other night because my lactation nurse said that it was safe for breast feeding (better than unisom) but I pumped and dumped for one day just to be safe. My husband is putting a lot of pressure on me to continue breast feeding our daughter and I just feel like I'm letting him down. I never got her to latch so I'm forced to pump. It's time consuming and exhausting beyond words. I want this precious time when my daughter is an infant to be filled with good memories and happy days. But instead I'm so tired and miserable most of the day that I cannot enjoy this time at all. So which is more important? My breast milk or having a mother rested and fully present in her little life? I told my husband today that I plan on taking a break for a few days from pumping to get some rest and figure out what I want to do going forward. He didn't sound very happy about that decision. I'm really torn. Torn between taking care of myself and our daughter by getting much needed rest and giving her formula and breast feeding her. Maybe I'm just a wimp.

Anyone out there with any advice?