Shortly after my daughter was born I went through a period of euphoria. That lasted for about three solid weeks. I was euphoric that I survived infertility and managed to birth a healthy and beautiful baby girl. Euphoric that the long 40 weeks were over and all the worries about if she would be healthy were past. Then my husband went back to work and I was alone every day with my breast pump. Now at 5 weeks I find myself in the depths of the baby blues. I feel guilty for feeling blue because I love and adore her so much and I feel guilty for feeling sad on days like this. Why am I sad? I have no idea. I'm exhausted. I hate my breast pump. I sort of feel like I want to quit breast feeding and I feel guilty about having those thoughts. Does that mean that I'm a bad mother if I quit breast feeding? I'm so so so so tired. I can't seem to manage to get myself back to sleep after my daughter wakes up for her second feeding between 3:30 and 5:00 a.m. I've struggled with insominia on and off for most of my life. I took Ambien the other night because my lactation nurse said that it was safe for breast feeding (better than unisom) but I pumped and dumped for one day just to be safe. My husband is putting a lot of pressure on me to continue breast feeding our daughter and I just feel like I'm letting him down. I never got her to latch so I'm forced to pump. It's time consuming and exhausting beyond words. I want this precious time when my daughter is an infant to be filled with good memories and happy days. But instead I'm so tired and miserable most of the day that I cannot enjoy this time at all. So which is more important? My breast milk or having a mother rested and fully present in her little life? I told my husband today that I plan on taking a break for a few days from pumping to get some rest and figure out what I want to do going forward. He didn't sound very happy about that decision. I'm really torn. Torn between taking care of myself and our daughter by getting much needed rest and giving her formula and breast feeding her. Maybe I'm just a wimp.
Anyone out there with any advice?