Wednesday, February 6, 2008
The things I miss
There is a certain amount of guilt that comes along with admitting that you sort of miss things from you pre-baby life. Especially if, like me, you've been trying to have a baby for three years. I feel ungrateful if I even have thoughts about what life was like when I could leave the house and meet a friend for a drink last minute. But sometimes I do have those thoughts. I am only human right? Our life is so vastly different than it was only a few months ago. I do miss B and I going out together and the carefree lifestyle we use to have. The hard part is that we don't really have any one to help us with our daughter. My mother has MS and isn't able to watch her alone. B's family lives out of state which was something I use to cherish but now..not so much. My sister can help on occasion but I'm not sure how much I should ask her and I always feel awkward calling her and asking her to watch Lily. Tomorrow evenining she is going to watch Lily for a bit. I'm going to meet B after work and we're going to have dinner and drinks at our favorite place. Is it bad that I'm counting down the hours? It's hard being alone all day. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm depressed. It's the dead of winter here in Minnesota and it's cold and the days are long and dark. I know most women reading this blog don't need me to say this but I do just to make sure it's clear: I love her so much. I love everything about her. This doesn't have anything to do with her. I'm going to be a wonderful mother to her. I promise. But this part is sort of hard. I wonder all day long why I'm not one of those mom's that can't wait for the next poopy diaper. What's wrong with me? I really thought I'd be much better at this. If I could just get some sleep then I'm sure things would be much better. I think I'm going to try a new sleeping plan. Maybe if I go to bed at 8 or 8:30. Then B feeds her before he brings her to bed and then I do the late night feedings. This would give me a good 4+ hour stretch before the first feeding. Maybe that would help. Since B doesn't usually get home until 6 that doesn't give us much time together but I gotta do what I gotta do. Now the big question is can I fall asleep at 8:00 like a third grader? Oh well, it's worth a try.