When I get some sleep I actually feel like a normal person. My heart fills with love for my daughter and I get giddy when I hold her and kiss her little feet. All the joy of those early weeks with her return and I feel like myself again. Thoughts of my husband leaving me start to fade into the background (although he did threaten to leave me if I stop breastfeeding due to child endangerment - I think he was kidding though not sure) and are replaced by happy family thoughts once again. Friday was a rough day. Lily wouldn't stop crying for some unknown reason although I may have had too much coffee that day trying to force myself to have enough energy to care for her. My mom came over and tried to help with dishes and bottles and holding her. It did help but I still felt like a big mess. We had friends coming over for dinner that night that I ended up calling and canceling which I never do. I smoked about four cigarettes which ended my breastfeeding for the day and drank a bunch of wine (like three glasses although wanted much more). I did numb myself out enough to get a good night of sleep. B was nice enough to take over the night time feedings to let me sleep. Although I do have to say that the time it takes him to heat the bottle and feed her seems like an excruciatingly long amount of time. He gets the burp cloth positioned symetrically on his shoulder,, straightens out the blanket she's in, does some neck stretch excercises and then proceeds to put the bottle in her mouth. All the while she's whailing away. I can't stand the crying, possibly because I listen to it most of the day and when he comes home from work he's sort of unfazed by it and it doesn't bother him.
Saturday I awoke fully rested. Threw the pack of cigarettes away. I quit smoking about a year and half ago so not sure why I felt compelled to run out and buy a pack on Friday. It's amazing after all this time how one cigarette can make it seem like you never even quit. B encouraged me to make plans on Saturday and enjoy my afternoon. So I did. I had lunch at Old Country Buffet (not my choice but my Aunt's birthday lunch choice) where I possibly may have contracted either TB or Bird Flu. After lunch, I went to purchase the Moby Wrap, http://www.mobywrap.com/ thinking that what me and baby really need is to be tied together all day and then that will solve all of our problems. Afterall the babies on the website sure look peaceful and happy. Then I went to Aveda and bought some hair products. Sometimes just purchasing hair products can make you feel better even if you have no real need to actually do your hair. Works the same with lotion. Then I paid a visit to my friends Kim and Fred and had some wine with them until about 5:30 and then headed home. I called B on the way home thinking he'd ask me about my afternoon. Instead he asked me how production was going to be affected since I hadn't pumped in 6 hours. I was completely irritated and dreaded going home. I felt deflated. We ended up arguing most of Saturday evening. I ended the argument with saying "why don't you look at how stress affects production". I may have called him an asshole at this point but I can't remember.
Long story short he apologized alleging that he was just asking a question out of curiosity not judgment (yeah right). I'm still pumping although I've cut down to 5 times a day from 7 and so far it seems more manageable. So far. We'll just see how this goes. I'm not making any promises but I'm plugging along.