Letting myself go

Let's see it's been almost 2 months since I've written. I'm not sure if I even have any readers left but this blog is suppose to be for me anyway right? Well after we went on vacation to Canada over labor day things were pretty rough after we returned home. Lily's schedule was completely off. She would wake up at 4 or 5 everyday and wanted to start her day at that time. Then, she got sick right after we got home too and that threw things off even more. I guess we should consider ourselves lucky that we made it almost 8 months without her being sick. But sick babies are no fun. I felt so helpless because she was so stuffy and at night she kept waking up and couldn't breath. It just broke my heart. Then, of course I got sick right after that. Which really sucked. There was no laying in bed all day watching TV as I did before I had a child. Oh no, my life was just as hectic as always except I was miserably sick. The month of September was just difficult. I think I was exhausted the entire month. But October has definitely been better. In fact, today Lily and I slept until 9 am. It was amazing. Also, in August I had joined weight watchers. I was so committed and excited about my weight loss. I had lost 7 lbs within 2 weeks right before we left on vacation. While we were in Canada I went off my diet and I'm so sad to report that I've not only gained all 7lbs back but another 3. It is so depressing. Lily is coming up on a year and I wanted to at least lost all of my baby weight before her first birthday. I still have two months so all is not lost. But I need to find the ambition. I just feel like I've let myself go physically. I've gotten into this pattern of eating unhealthy and way too much and I just keep doing it. I know it started in September when I was so tired every single day and food just seemed to be the only thing that made me feel good. It wasn't a good pattern and I know I need to break it. I need to start excercising again and getting healthy. But at the end of a long day it's hard to motivate myself to get off the couch. But I need to.

Let's talk about something else. My lovely Lily. She is crawling all over, walking on furniture and saying Mamamamama. Her temper have definitely appeared. When she wants something she means business. For Halloween she's going to be a pink french poodle. Tomorrow we are going to Anoka (the halloween capital of the world for those of you that don't know) for a parade. B and I are going to do the 1mile walk with Lily in the stroller. Then off to my good friend Sarah's house for dinner. I've managed to started feeding Lily the little puffy cheerio things and she's starting to figure out how to put those in her mouth. I bought her some little cookies and she's snacking on those a little. She also eats bits of banana now. She loves to pull her hair, my hair and anyone's hair. She just started clapping her hands together just this week (at 9.5 months). She sings all the time. She loves my laptop and wants to pound on the keys everytime I bring it out. I usually let her but she's managed to lock it up on a few occassions. She's my darling little angel and I couldn't love anything more. But I do need to put a little focus back on myself and get myself back in shape. Monday I'll get started.

Only 1.5 more weeks before election day. I can't wait for Obama to be our next president. Obama. Obama. Obama!!!!!

8 months

My sweetheart will be 8 months old tomorrow. I cannot believe it has been 8 months since she was born. This year is just flying by and my little angel is getting so big. She is actively crawling now and can get just about anywhere. She eats three solid meals a day and drinks right around 21-27 ounces of formula. I'm a little unsure about when to start finger foods and what type to offer her. She only has two bottom teeth so I'm not sure how I could give her a cracker or cheerio yet. Won't she choke?

My Lily is a great sleeper. She goes to bed right around 7:30pm and sleeps until 6:30 or 7ish. This schedule makes for a very happy momma. Of course I get up a few times during the night to check on her and flip her back over onto her back. Is it okay to leave her on her belly if she flips during the night? I'm not sure what to do there so I just get up when I hear her turn and flip her back over.

She hugs me now really tight around my neck when I get home from work. She loves her toys and gets super excited when she sees a new toy. Christmas is going to be so much fun this year watching her get excited about her presents and toys. My mom brought her over a little toy today and I wasn't home but both my mom and sister said that she just laughed and laughed and was so happy and excited by her new toy. It was this pink purse that played music. I was at work but it makes me so happy that Lily has my sister as her nanny and my mom can come over during the afternoon and spend time with her. If you have to work I don't think there is a better scenario.

Oh and we put an offer in on a new house. We put the offer in on Tuesday and still haven't heard yet. It was a pretty low ball offer in a great neighborhood so we're crossing our fingers. We're taking Lily on her first airplane ride this weekend. We're visiting some friends in Canada for the long weekend. I'm a little nervous navigating the airport with her but I'm sure between the two of us we'll figure it out.

Wish us luck on the house!

My Husband

B and I had a long talk last night. One of those three hour marathon "state of the union" talks. I could have talked another three hours but it was midnight and nothing was getting resolved and it all sort of seemed pointless. Here's the thing: I started crying Sunday night while I was lying in bed because of some selfish act on B's part and it all just sort of hit me. I so desperately want to create this perfect family for Lily that I let B get away with a lot of selfish inconsiderate things because I don't want to argue. B is a great father. He loves Lily like crazy and smothers her with kisses on a daily basis. He never complains about helping out with her or putting her to bed or giving baths. He's an active, involved wonderful father. But he acts like his time is so much more valuable than my time. I spend ALL my time either taking care of Lily or cooking or doing something around the house. I rarely have ME time. And if B doesn't get his "me" time he freaks out. He needs to work out, play soccer, run his thousand+ errands yadayada. And I'm just frustrated and I'm irritated. I wish he was a little more committed to making me happy or doing things that would make me happy. Like, plan a vacation for us. Or buy me flowers or something that shows he cares about me. Everything is always about HIM. Okay so here's something I would like an opinion on that we can't seem to agree on:

On Saturday he says to me "Hey, I bought you a present". I get all excited not thinking it was anything big or expensive just at the thought that he thought of me. It turned out to be some $10 little thing which was nice. Later on that day he mentions that he bought it out of our joint spending account. We each have our own accounts and a joint account. I was totally irritated and told him to return it. Am I just being bitchy? Or, can anyone see my point about how this isn't exactly a "present' . And it's just $10 aren't I worth that? That's how I felt. Opinons??

Then as I was laying in bed crying I realized that I'm doing exactly what my mother did. Pretending things are all peachy and rosy and in reality they are not. I'm so worried about giving Lily this idyllic childhood that I didn't have that I'm losing my own voice in my marriage. Looking back now I think one of the most powerful things my mother could do for me would be to acknowledge that I didn't have a good childhood and that she's sorry. Instead she says things like "we always had the most wonderful holidays didn't we". I realize she's trying to remember the "good times" but I would like some mention of the bad times. Just to make it seem more real. I don't want to do that to Lily. I can't give her a perfect childhood. But, I can give her a pretty good one with two parents who love and adore her. Our marriage has problems that we need to work on. Neither one of us are going anywhere. We're committed to each other and we love each other but we need to do some work. Pretending that the issues aren't there isn't going to solve anything.

We went through 3+ years of infertility and then finally having our beautiful daughter. Life has been sort of crazy and I think we need to reconnect with each other and I don't know how to do that. I don't want to turn into one of those couples that have nothing to say to each other when they go out to dinner and just sit in silence.

A Good Day

The most perfect day ever.

75 degrees. A day wine tasting with my good friends. A picnic. A few bottles of red wine. No clouds outside or inside. Perfection. Here's proof.

So much to do

Every day the list of things I NEED to get done grows and fewer items get checked off the list before new things to-do get added. It is unrelenting. Where are people suppose to find the time to get all the stuff done in life that we need to get done, plus work, plus spend quality time with babies and husbands? There is the basic stuff like grocery shopping, food preparation, showering that MUST happen if I want to be a clean and well fed individual. When push comes to shove I can usually put showering on the luxury-time list and add a little extra time in my day. Housecleaning and my own personal laundry never seems to get done. Baby's laundry gets done almost daily but I'm down to my last pair of underwear as we speak and it's questionable if my laundry will get done today so who knows tomorrow may be commando. There is also the search for a new house. This search began officially about a year and a half ago. I did put it on the back burner while I was pregnant because the thought of moving was just too much to deal with but I did look. Now, the search is full throttle and I CAN'T FIND A HOUSE TO BUY. Every time I turn on the frickin' TV they keep talking about the real estate market and how great it is to be a home buyer right now yadayadayada. Well either I'm too picky or too cheap. I suspect it's a combination of both. Cheap & picky doesn't get you too far in the housing market no matter what the outlook. Then there is the urban vs. suburban question. I swore up and down that I was going to buy a house back in the city, back where the cool people live with their tree-lined streets and coffee houses. But that too is fading to black. The houses are too damn small! And too expensive. Seriously, I cannot move the fam into a house with one bathroom. It just can't happen. And what is with the bungalow's? Two bedrooms on the main floor and then a big useless loft upstairs with low dormers that a person of normal height (B is 6'3) can't stand in. So I've decided (mostly) to stay in the suburbs. But all the houses I find are sooo painfully ugly and soooo suburban looking with their short stubby trees in the front yard and depressing landscape of identical houses. I need to move soon. Very soon or I'm going to be stuck in my townhouse for another year. People don't move in Minnesota in the winter. It's just too damn cold. Besides, I want to be all settled in before the holidays and Lil's first birthday. Wawawa.

Here is the other list of things that I need to do.
1. Mail pile - it's huge. I know there are probably very important bills, letters and invitations in there but I have no time to go through the pile so it just grows.
2. Search for airline tickets to Montreal - we want to visit a good friend of ours over labor day weekend but the damn tickets are like $800+ each. Damn US dollar.
3. Hang Lil's 5 month pictures. Yes, she's 7 months old now so that tells you how long they've been sitting in my living room. They are framed but not on the wall. Yet.
4. Mail gift to mother in law and her friend as a thank-you for all the wonderful cooking they did for Lil's baptism.
5. Thank you cards for the baptism.
6. Deposit checks received from baptism.
7. Cleaning - seriously my bathroom is embarassing and every day my sister comes in there to wash Lily's face and hands for the day and I know she's thinking "my sister is dirteee".
8. Write in Lil's baby book. I want to write down and record every thing she does. I want to capture every expression and sound before I forget. She's just doing so many new things and changing so fast I can't keep up!

That's it for now. With all of that said I just want to say that I know this is the good stuff. I need more money, time and a new house but I know that this time with Lily is the best time of my life. Sometimes I just want to box up this time and save it forever because I know inside that it really doesn't get any better than this. If I could stay right here forever I would.

Another Baby?

First of all let me say that I am truly amazed at how fast time has passed and how my little Lily is going to be 7 months old. This year has been the fastest year of my entire life. Why do the shitty years last forever and the truly wonderful years just fly by? I guess that's a question for the universe t0 answer. I think having children is what really speeds up the clock. They grow up so fast and discover so many new things and pass milestones every week and it all just flies by. In a flash. Just last week my sister told me that Lily was sitting up in her crib. She had put her down flat on her back in her crib and when she came in to get her she had managed to sit up. All in one day she figured it out. She can now roll over from her tummy to her back, sit up straight for long periods of time unassisted and go from her belly to sitting up. I think crawling and standing on her own are not far off. I was rocking her to sleep the other night and I got tears in my eyes thinking of her being all grown up. Mother's can't rock grown ups to sleep anymore. Mother's can't feed their grown up children and wipe their mouths and kiss them one thousand times a day. You can't give them baths and sing crazy made up songs and make them laugh and giggle and coo when they are all grown up. I guess you could do these things but it would be weird. It dawned on me that this time when she is my baby is passing. Every day she needs me just a tiny bit less. Every day she figures out the world a little bit more on her own. And every day she lets me hold her for just a little less long before she wants to move out of my arms and wiggle around on her mat by herself. My new favorite thing is when I'm holding her or rocking her to sleep and she gazes up at me with her big blue eyes. Or when I'm driving and I look back at her and she's craning her neck to try and look at me from her car seat. I wait until a stop light and I look back at her and touch her sweet little head and she smiles. I don't think it's possible for me to love another human being more than I love her.

After saying all that the big question is do I want another baby. It seems like there is a six month grace period before people start asking about baby #2. My grace period is up and now the world is free to ask me this question. I love that people seem to forget that it took nearly four years to conceive her. They forget about my infertile past and just assume that now that I have a baby I'll just be a fertile myrtle and another baby will just be a piece of cake. Well it's not that easy for me. It's hard. It's really really hard to even think about going through all of that again. I was actually at a party this past weekend and two women were talking about this woman they know that has only one child and how selfish she is. Man, sometimes women can just be bitches. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the same thing about only children "they're selfish, spoiled, hard people to deal with, ADD, socially inept, loners". And the list goes on. I really don't know that many people with close relationships with their siblings. I have a sister and a brother who are 6 and 8 years older than me. None of us are particularly close. We like each other and we spend time together on holidays and sometimes socially. I felt like an only child while I was growing up because I had no relationship with them at all. I don't think either one noticed that I existed until I was 20. I was blessed with wonderful girlfriends at an early age and we are all still friends even now. They felt more like sisters to me than any family member ever could. They are the ones I called during every crisis and every heartbreak. My daughter will play with their kids like cousins since they are all around the same age. She will have lots of friends. But am I a bad mother if I don't give her a brother or a sister? My husband desperately wants another child. Especially a son. Am I bad wife if I don't want to go through this again? Yes, it was all worth it. I'm happy with Lily. I love being her mother. How would another baby change our relationship. She wouldn't be the baby anymore. I would have less time to dote on her and enjoy every smile, laugh and every amazing little thing that she does. Would another baby make me crankier and more tired than I already am and turn me into one of those mother's that I don't want to become. Or just inattentive because I'm too busy which could possibly be the worst thing of all.

I just don't know that I can do it again. I feel like my entire thirties were spent "trying" to have a baby. The timed intercourse, the trips to the fertility clinic, the miscarriages, the hopes and disappointments. It consumed every detail of my life for 4 long years. Now my life is about something completely different. The pain of those four years is finally starting to fade into the background. Those painful memories are being replaced by wonderful and beautiful experiences with my daughter. I'm happy. I am really and truly completely happy. Probably for the first time in my life.

I'm completely impressed by so many of my blog friends that escaped the trenches of infertilty and are already back in the stirrups trying and/or pregnant with baby #2. I truly commend you. I admire you. I just don't think I can do it. Maybe I'll change my mind. Thoughts?

What I did on my summer vacation 2008

Here is a list of my accomplishments:

- Dusted my bedroom. I can't remember the last time I dusted and it was in dire need.
- Prepared 3 big bags to take to the salvation army.
- Cleaned out my closet
- Made baby food for Lily for the week
- Framed her latest portraits and a photo from my artist friend Kim
- Made 2 trips to the eye doctor and one trip to the dermatologist. Eye infection almost cleared up. Check. Check.
- Laundry. Laundry. Laundry
- Successfully got Lily to take both an afternoon and a morning nap. Crossing my fingers that my sister can keep up this schedule. The result is a much a happier baby.
- Spent lots of good quality time with my daughter.

I didn't get to go to Europe (again) this summer. I didn't have the money to rent a summer cabin like I wanted to. I didn't get together with some friends that I wanted to catch up with. And my house isn't as clean as I wanted it to be by the end of my vacation. I didn't work out everyday like I had planned and I didn't eat as healthy as I wanted to. But I think I did what's most important. I feel rested and refreshed and ready to go back to work with a new perspective. I spent most days being silly with Lily which is exactly what I wanted to do.

Good Mothering

Today I felt like a good mother. I made Lily laugh countless times. Big full belly laughs. I made her homemade baby food while she played in her pack and play and watched me in the kitchen. We made squash, sweet potatoes and carrots. I took her for a walk. We cuddled. We napped. It was an all around perfect mother/daughter day. I've been off work all week because my nanny/sister is on vacation so subsequently I am on vacation. My heart is so huge with love for her that I can hardly stand it sometimes. I love that she cries when other people hold her and then I hold her and she stops crying. I love her big gummy toothless smile. I can honestly say that I've never been this happy in my life. Despite the sleepless nights, the crazy hectic pace of my life these days, despite my new found poverty and huge credit card balance, despite it all I've never felt this fulfilled and this completely satisfied with my life. Every night when I go to bed I thank God for giving me Lily. And every night I can't wait until morning so I can see her and have another day with her. And, I feel like I'm doing a good job at being a mother. Sure, I do have bouts of mom guilt when she spends too much time in her pack and play or especially when I leave for work in the morning. But for the most part, she's a happy, good tempered baby. She sleeps mostly through the night, even though I get up often (too often) to check on her. I'm so paranoid of her rolling over on her stomach so I run in there at every noise. We had her six month check-up yesterday and here are her stats.

Weight - 15 lbs 4 oz. 45% percentile
Height - 27 inches 80% percentile
Head - 65 percentile

She passed all the milestones. She rolls over. She can sit by herself with support. She can pass things from hand to hand. She grabs at everything. She's starting to scoot herself on her belly and begin to get up on all fours. I think crawling is within weeks. Yikes! I better get my floors clean!

I use to think that I would never want to be a stay at home mom but after this week I'm starting to change my mind. I think I'll cry when I have to go back to work next week. We're having so much fun! Tomorrow we're off to lunch with Daddy and then to the museum with my friend Sarah and her little girl. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Just plain tired

I'm tired.

I'm always tired.

I'm wondering if there will ever come a day when I'm not tired.

I feel like I've been tired forever.

I'm tired of being tired.

Lily sleeps but she still gets up at 5 am. sometimes 4:30 am. Sometimes I can bring her to bed with me until 6ish but neither yesterday nor today was one of those days. Sometimes I can fall back asleep and sometimes I just can't. I went to bed at 10 pm and despite getting 7 hours of sleep I'm still tired. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on some sleep this weekend. We don't have any plans for the 4th so I'm really looking forward to doing nothing or just random things that come up. I do have one episode of Tori & Dean to catch up on and a parade to go to but other than that we have no plans. We might take Lily to the pool for the first time. We might go for a walk around one of the 10,000 or so lakes that we have here in Minnesota. Or we might just do nothing besides sit on our patio, sleep late, take naps, cuddle and stare at our baby. I am planning on making some baby food this weekend: sweet potatoes, carrots and squash are on the baby menu. Brats, tuna salad and wine are on mom's menu. I'm also on vacation until July 14th so I have an entire week to spend doing fun things around town with Lily. I'm thinking we'll go to a museum, lunch with some of my yoga friends and maybe take in a storytime or two in there. I'm really looking forward to spending some good quality baby time with Lily. It's amazing how much of their lives you miss when you have to work all day. I'm lucky that I just work three days a week but even that makes me feel like I'm missing out.

Happy 4th!

Tori & Dean

Summer TV is really depressing. There is absolutely nothing on. I hate America's Got Talent. I have no interest in watching that japenese game show or any of the other crap on TV. TV is my thing. I know I should read a book or exercise or do something productive with my time. But the truth is that after a long day, after I rock the baby to sleep, run up and down the stairs a few times to put the nuk back in her mouth, make dinner, eat dinner, put the dishes in the dishwasher, there is nothing I like better than to veg out on the couch and watch TV for an hour before I go to bed. So this is where Tori & Dean come in. I am forcing myself to like this show. I don't think reality television can get any worse than Tori & Dean but Oxygen can begrudingly add me as another viewer to their nielsen ratings. Oh what I wouldn't give for a Real Housewives of NYC or I'd even take a mini-series like last summer's Starter Wife. But I guess I'm stuck with Tori & Dean :-(

Here is where I have to vent about last night's episode: First of all I have to say that Tori Sp.elling is a huge baby and a big whiner and she is not an attractive girl. I do have to say that their little boy Liam is adorable and fun to watch. I loved Tori & Dean's conversation last night about this scuba instructor that Tori is all jealous of. Dean's new hobby is scuba and Tori went on a scuba trip with him and she complained the entire time that she was sea sick. She's worried that since Dean cheated on his wife with Tori that Dean will do the same thing to her. No duh Tori. Once a cheater always a cheater. Oh and she was complaining about how they can't afford a very expensive house and that realtors probably think that because she's Tori Sp.elling she should be able to afford to buy a certain kind of house. Then, they showed the kind of houses that they were looking at and they were at least 2 to 3 million plus. I don't know the CA real estate market very well but I'm guessing that 5 bedrooms and a pool near the ocean ain't cheap. Poor girl. So that's how I'll be spending my Tuesday evenings....watching the struggles of ex-902010'er Tori & Dean. On a more interesting note, here's a video I took on our way to IN of Lily sneezing. So cute. Much more fun to watch than Tori & Dean. I took it with my camera phone so it's a little grainy.

Tiffany's

Lily got her first present from Tiffany's. A little piggy bank from our friends W & J. I think the best part of getting a gift from Tiffany's is the blue box with the white ribbon. Here's a photo of the piggy bank. It is so cute!

The Baptism

We christened our Lily this past weekend in Indiana. She was so good during the entire hour long service. She didn't cry or squirm or anything even when they put her in the water and poured water over her head. Her godfather held her during the service and she listened the everything the Priest was saying and listened to all the singing. At the end the Priest even said that he wished all babies were as good as she was during the christening. She made her Mama and Tata so proud! It meant a lot to me that she was baptized in the same church as B. Her christening gown was absolutely beautiful. Her godfather bought it for her and it came with a little cape and matching bonnet. I'll take a photo this weekend and upload it. After the service we went back to my in-laws where my MIL and her friends had prepared an absolutely amazing feast. We ordered an entire lamb that was freshly cooked on a spit in the morning before the baptism and brought to the house. My MIL made chicken, pita, salads, mastacholi, fish and two different cakes. I made petit fours a few weeks ago and froze them and served them at the reception. It felt good to make a small contribution. Both my mom and dad were able to make it all the way there from Minnesota. Which is saying a lot since they are both handicapped (dad from polio, mom with MS). My dad even made it down the stairs into their basement for the lunch. I was totally surprised but he made it. The weather was even perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better day for my daughter's baptism.

Now we're back home and life is returning to normal after two weeks of being off of our normal schedules with my in-laws here and then us going there for the baptism. Lily's sleeping is sort of hit or miss these days. Unless of course I bring her to bed with us and then she sleeps until we wake up. I know it's a bad habit but I love it when she sleeps with us. I put her in her crib around 7:30, then she sleeps until 4 or 5 and then I bring her in for the last hour or two. That's not too bad right? At least she's not sleeping with us the entire night (at least that's how I rationalize it).

Okay back to work....

No pink eye

We waited in the doctor's office for about an hour and a half before being seen. WHY DO THEY MAKE APPTS. AT A DESIGNATED TIME IF THE FRICKIN' DOCTOR ISN'T AVAILABLE AT THAT TIME? What's the point of having an appointment? This was my first doctor's visit alone without B. I've been spoiled in that B comes to all the appointments so it just figures that this one time I have to go alone I have to wait 1.5 hours. It sure isn't easy to be in the waiting room for that long with a squiggly 6 month old baby that has no interest in being held anymore. Oh I miss the days when I could hold her for hours and hours. But I do have to say she was a pretty good girl. She was so interested in all the people and activity in the waiting room that it made the time pass pretty quickly. Long story short - she doesn't have pink eye. She has a plugged tear duct that has gotten infected. The doctor prescribed some drops and we headed home. As soon as I put her in her car seat she crashed - she slept all the way home, through my trip to Walgreen's to pick up her prescription and back home again.

Scammed

The bea.ba is a scam. I asked the woman at Williams Sonoma if the bea.ba was polycarbonate or BPA free and she said specifically that they contacted the company and it is free of "all the bad toxins found in plastic". This is NOT true. It is polycarb and contains BPA plus you are heating the plastic which is worse because the toxins from the plastic leach into the food through the heating process. Anyway, I returned it and got my money back and gave them a piece of my mind. I'm just going to use my blender.

Also, I think Lily may have pink eye from her JW Tum.bles class. We have an appt at 3:30. I'm hoping she doesn't but I'll keep you posted.

fun filled afternoon

I went to JW Tum.bles today with a few girlfriends that have babies the same age. Basically it is a tumbling class for infants. I put her on different toys like the bouncy seat and swing. We sang a few songs and that was about it. The class was free with the hopes of us signing up. I really didn't think it was worth it so I don't think we'll be returning. Oh and I splurged and bought this today . http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/5279732/index.cfm?cm_src=rel

It's called a bea.ba mini baby food processor. It heats, defrosts, purees and steams. It was a tad spendy at $139.95 but ultimately I think it will be worth it if I actually do make my own baby food. If I don't then it was a big was of money. The annoying thing is when I asked the sales lady where it was made she said "FRANCE" but when I got it home and looked on the box it said "made in china". There is a big difference between a french company and a product manufactured in France. I think she thinks that is the same thing. I may return it. I'll have B take a look at it and see what he thinks. My friend Sarah scooped one up right away and since there were only two left I thought I should buy one too. Peer pressure at its finest.

I'm doing the best I can DAMN IT!

My in-laws have been in town all week and then there was Father's Day yadayadayada. So I'm behind in my NabloPoMo posting. I'm working on it. I'll try to be better. I'm a week behind already. Crap.

I did manage to go to Bikram yoga this week. That is the yoga that is 105 degrees and you are in the room for 90 minutes doing various poses. I also went for a run yesterday. I'm sure I won't lose the weight that I had planned on losing before Lily's baptism next Saturday but even if I can lose one or two pounds I'll feel better. I had it in my head that I wanted to lose all of my baby weight by her baptism. She'll be six months old next Saturday too so that seemed like a perfectly respectable goal. We'll I'm about 7lbs short of that goal. I know I should just go hard core South Beach for the week and then I know I could lose at least 4-5 lbs but my motivation is fading. And after a week of my MIL belittling me and my mothering skills I don't think I'm up to the task.

Baby notes:
- She starts to make this little "haahaaa" cough sound when you're not paying attention to her.
- I started her on sweet potatoes and squash this week. My MIL fed it to her so I didn't actually get to see her reaction but it sounded like she really loved it. My little social butterfly loves attention and she's getting plenty of it with the in-laws here and then B and I fighting over her when we get home from work.
- B put together this little exersaucer toy for her where she can sit in it and spin around and look at the various little toys and she gets so super excited when we put her in it. She makes all kinds of noises and smiles.
- Last night she was pretty fussy in her crib so about 4:00 a.m. I brought her to bed with us and as soon as I put her down she was sound asleep and she didn't move or make a peep until 7:30. I woke up and she was staring at me, quietly. It was a perfect way to start my day.

The Motherhood

While I was trying to get pregnant I often felt like The Motherhood was an elusive, elite sorority that I desperately wanted to pledge. I didn't get the inside jokes about sleep deprivation and breastfeeding. I didn't know the secret Motherhood handshake. Oh believe me I tried to play along. I was desperate to join. But just like it is with dating, l'eau d'desperation is not a fragrance people find attractive. Now that I'm in the club I get to laugh at all the jokes and even tell a few of my own. I can have endless hours of conversation about the feeding or sleep habits of my baby. Women stop me and my baby in Whole Foods and start up conversations at random. Women really are talkative and friendly when you are part of the Motherhood. Is it just that now they can figure me out or is the baby just a great conversation starter? At 37 I am a bit older than most of the first time Motherhood members but I still feel welcome in the club. It's really nice to finally feel like I fit in. I sometimes see a wanna-be member like I use to be and I can feel her eagerness to join the group. I see my former infertile self in her. But most of all, I'm just happy that I am not her anymore.

The Motherhood does have a dark side. They are definitely a competitive bunch. I've always known women to be competitive but the Motherhood can bring it to a whole new level. And I have a feeling it is only going to get worse. Mothers are truly amazing people. I have developed a great deal appreciation for mothers since becoming one myself. But why do we need to put other women down to make ourselves feel like better mothers and wives. I really hope that I don't become one of those women. One of these women is my mother in law. Just because I'm part of the Motherhood doesn't mean she's going to welcome me into the group with open arms. I'm not done with her initiation. I still need to earn my apron strings.

Lily highlight: My little bubble-blower. She is constantly trying to blow little spit bubbles. It's so cute when she has her nook in her mouth and she's tries to blow bubbles - she just lays in her crib with her nook and you can hear her making all this noise. It is so cute! Oh and she loves to scratch everything. Her little fingers are always trying to feel fabric or texture. She even does it in her sleep.

Good night!

Mad Skills

Since I've become a mom I've acquired some new skills that I'm actually quite impressed with.

1. The ability to reach behind into the car seat (while driving) find Lily's nook buried somewhere in her seat and pop it back into her mouth. My arms can expand and stretch similiar to that of a super hero.
2. I can recognize my baby's cry anywhere. I can even tell the difference between newborn cries. I'll be shopping somewhere and hear a baby cry and can instantly tell approximately how old that baby is. I should try out for one of those jobs guessing people's weight and ages at the state fair. I could make big coin.
3. Multitasking - HA! I quadtruple task. Make dinner while feeding baby inbetween loads of laundry all the while gossiping on the telephone to my girlfriend and watching reruns of Sex and the City.

Pretty soon I'll be flying around in my invisible plane and deflecting bullets from my magical arm bands.

I'm all in

I signed up with NaBloPoMoFo - okay I added the 'Fo. I figured it was the only way to jump start this blog and capture the randomness of my ADD mind.

Does this post count as #1?

My First Mother's Day

Today I celebrated my first mother's day with my beautiful baby girl Lily. She spent most of the day in my arms including a 2 hour nap that she took while I watched the last three episodes of Desperate Housewives on the DVR. During that two hours I just kept looking at her in amazement that she is here and reflecting on the the last year of my life and where I was last year mother's day. Being a mother is more than I thought it would be....more of everything. More fun. More love more happiness and more excitement for every day to begin. She has a thousand smiles and I adore each and every one. There's the gummy wide open mouth smile. The closed lip skinny lip smile. The elvis snarl half-smile. She's such a happy baby. We can take her anywhere. She'll either sleep or look around the room at everything. She so happy when she's out in public. I definitely think my little Lily is a people person. Today she gave me a very special gift for Mother's Day...she slept through the night until 6:30 this morning. I awoke to my husband making breakfast and presents and cards from both my husband and Lily. My husband and Lily bought me a juicy couture necklace, which I love. I received so many sweet mother's day cards from my friends and family. I'm so surprised at how everyone remembered me on this day. Then we went to brunch at the Bonfire with my mom and my brother. She wore the sweetest little dress that her Bobbi bought for her from Neiman Marcus. She looked like a little princess.
Other hightlights:
- she started turning over at few weeks ago at around 4 months old and now at almost 5 months old she's mastered it.
- she reaches for everything now. she can pick things ups (not for long) and ultimately her goal is to try and put them in her mouth.
- she's started to pull herself up. she can't sit up by herself yet sure tries and gets very excited when she can sit by herself for a split second before she falls over and I catch her.
- one of our favorite morning pasttimes is after she wakes up I bring her in bed with me and I get my coffee and I turn on the Today Show and she lays by me and plays with her sweet little feet and I pick her up and we cuddle and play. We sometimes lay there like that all morning long until we get up and start our day.
- her little leggies are getting so strong. She can stand while I'm holding her and her legs are just solid. I definitely think she's going to be an early walker.
- she's such a good baby. such a happy baby and I'm so proud to be her mom. I love every single day that I get to spend with my angel.
- she's looking more and more like her father. He's great at making her laugh.
- we're thinking of moving her into her own room within the next week or so. B is such a softie that he's going to sleep in there with her for the first week until she gets use to it. I almost have her room finished but I need to order a bookshelf and then it will be complete. For some bizarre reason I can't mentally move her in there until the room is completely finished. Every photo hung, every nick nack in place. I know I'm being completely anal but I just want her to be happy in her room and I need everything to be perfect (or as perfect as I can make it).

In other unrelated baby news. I NEED A JOB AND A NEW HOUSE. Those are the top two things on my agenda. As far as the possible New York move, I ended up e-mailing my former boss and telling her that now isn't the right time for me to relocated my family but I'd love to consider any position that would allow me to stay her in Minnesota. She's was going to think through things and talk to me sometimes this week so we'll see what happens. We went to look at a house this weekend which I really liked but my husband wasn't so sure about. We may go look at it again this week. I just want to be in my new house this summer so that we can enjoy our backyard and have our friends over for BBQ's and cocktails and enjoy what little summer we get to have in Minnesota. This house we looked at even had a hot tub.

I am so happy to be a mom today and so so very grateful.

universal issues

Be careful of what you put down on paper. Dang. Last year I was into this whole "Secret" thing. You know the book, dvd/oprah thing that swept the nation last year. Well I bought the CD last March/Aprilish and willed myself to have a baby. No, I demanded the universe to give me my baby. I had been infertile long enough and I was just ready to be a mom. Anyway, long story short I got pregnant and I had a baby. So I was at this lecture last week and he was one of the guys in the "Secret" so he had us write down what we wanted this year or in 3-5 years I really can't remember. I was playing along writing stuff down. Stuff I didn't even know if I even wanted. So I wrote down that I wanted to move to New York well the universe must have been listening to me again because the VERY next day my old boss calls me who is now the VP of this internet company asking me if I'd be open to moving to...California. Ok. It's not New York but they have an office in New York. Anyway I thought it was just bizarre and it really got me thinking. Could I move to California or New York or wherever? Could I? Anyway I wrote back "yeah sure I could" not really even thinking about it seriously but thinking I should throw it back to the universe and see what I get. The universe asked so I thought I should be polite. You never know. The universe has been so wonderful to me so far so I trust that it has my best interest in mind.

I have a few questions of the universe however:

1. Why is that even after an entire week of my baby spitting up on herself and many many blowouts in her diaper does she still smell so damn good.

2. When will I stop feeling like I need to do the happy dance every time she looks at me and smiles.

3. How long before me and B will stop filling up an entire evening with gushing over our baby. I'll be like "remember when she did this" and he'll be all like "I know I know and then she did that". I'm starting to annoy my former infertile self. The part of me that wanted to believe that a baby wouldn't make us closer or happier. We are closer. I am happier all because of her.

4. How does she go from being vertical in her bassinette to completely horizontal by morning. And more importantly why?

5. Why is she always eating her hand. Does it taste good? She'll never fit the whole thing in her mouth so why keep trying. But her hand in her mouth sure does make her happy so I don't discourage it too much. Although it is making her hands get sort of chapped.

6. She can't laugh yet but at night on the baby monitor I can hear her laughing. Oh how I love that! What is making her laugh? It is the most adorably sweet little sound ever.

Ok. One more photo and that's it for awhile.

Tomorrow I'm going to infant story time with my friend Sarah. I can't wait..

Best of both worlds

I'm into my third week of being a working mom. I still feel like I'm in a sitcom in the morning rushing around getting myself ready, feeding the baby and rushing out the door before the nanny (aka my sister) arrives. It feels so crazy and hectic and wonderful at the same time. I'm sure eventually the novelty will wear off one day but for now I love the hustle and bustle of being a working mom. But then again I love Friday's and Monday's when I can be a stay at home mom too. Yesterday there was a big snow storm here in Minnesota and me and baby didn't leave the house all day. We slept late, made bread (of course I did most of the work), and chili. Dang I love that girl. Her smile just melts me. It goes from ear to ear and still almost brings me to tears. The best part of the day is the end of it when I get to go home and see her. I rock her to sleep, sing her a little song and put her in her crib at 7 and she sleeps until about 5. She's a great sleeper. Sunday morning we slept until 9:45.

It's amazing that I've completely lost interest in going out on the weekends. I'm so content to stay home with her and my husband (and drink wine). I use to think I wouldn't be one of those mom's that completely lost their social life once they had children but a few things have become apparent a) I don't have a babysitter and so no choice but to stay home b) after a long week it's nice to stay home c) since having the baby my "going out funds" have dwindled d) I can always have peeps over for dinner - inexpensive and fun at the same time e) on the weekends I want to spend as much time with her as possible anyway f) B and I can always go out for an early dinner with Lily (like at 5) and still get home early enough to put Lily to bed. See I'm a huge dork. I know it. The thought that I 'd have this great social life even after having a baby is just one of the many lies that I told myself along with thinking I could eat as much as I wanted while pregnant and I'd lose the weight right away. What's next? Mom hair? If I write on my blog that I'm getting a perm will somebody please say something and stop me!

I'm really hoping this three day a week deal keeps working out with my job. I can't imagine having to work a full 40 hour work week. When the heck would I see her? This american lifestyle is for the birds. Only 12 weeks maternity leave, unpaid and then right back at work. I want to move to Sweden where we could all stay at home as a family for 6 months. Wouldn't that be nice.

My big girl is 13 weeks old. So far the big changes have been her alertness, her big smiles and her better sleeping. Oh and she loves her bath time. I think her bath time is my favorite time of the entire week. This is much easier that the first few weeks when I thought I was losing my mind. Well I think I did lose it briefly. Here's a new photo of my sweet girl. Ok. I'll stop gushing now.

10 weeks old

Lily turned 10 weeks old yesterday. My girl is getting so big and I feel like time is passing so fast. In one week I'll have to go back to work and some how try and rebuild my business from where I left off on December 12th. Lily smiles at me all the time now and I can make her laugh with any one of our little games that we play throughout the day. The other day she was laying on her little mat with all these little dangly things hanging over her head and I showed her how to hit one of the little toys with her hand. Then in the afternoon when I put her on the mat again she remembered and started hitting the toy with her hand and smiling. She kept doing it over and over so I went and grabbed the video recorder and managed to get some of it on tape. The sounds she makes are really changing from just crying sounds to actual baby talk. She makes the gaagaagaa sound a lot and sometimes I feel like she is trying to say 'Hi'. Although I'm sure she's not. I love love love it when she makes those sounds and looks at me and smiles. Then I say something back and then she makes the gaaaagaaagaa sound. My heart just melts to pieces. We've started a new bedtime routine where I rock her in the rocking chair and sing a little song (it had to be you is usually what I sing) and then put her in her bed. I put her to bed around 6:30ish and she sleeps until 10ish and then I've been waking her up to feed her which I'm not sure I'm suppose to do but it seems to work because then she'll sleep between 3 and 4. Then I feed her and we sleep until around 8ish. That's been our schedule for the last week. I'm sure it will change but for not it seems to be working for us.

Sometimes I feel like I"m getting the hang of the motherhood thing but then other days I feel like I'm not. It seems to all depend on how much sleep I'm getting. When I'm rested I feel great and totally together. When I'm tired I feel like a big fat mess that can't get her shit together. My back sure hurts these days carrying that carseat around. That thing is frickin' heavy. I see some women out with their carseats and they make it seem effortless but for some reason mine is super heavy ( to me) and I drag it along trying to make it look much easier than it is. We went to visit some relatives this week and they live in an assisted living type place and I had to carry the carseat (with baby) down this corridor that went on for miles and miles. I thought I was going to need some assisted living by the time I made it to their apartment. Next week it's going to be all about shopping. I need some work clothes since I can't fit into my old pre-pregnancy work clothes and I refuse to wear maternity clothes to work 2 months after having a baby. NO WAY. So I need to buy a few things. Just a few things because HELLO of course I'm not staying at this weight.

In other news:

* I think I'm developing a thing for Dr. Drew on Celebrity Rehab. I don't know what it is about him but he gets hotter and hotter every time I watch the damn show. Makes me want to pull an Amy Winehouse and go to rehab.

* I love TheraFlu - I'm sick right now with a bad ass cold and that yummy hot cup of goodness just makes my day. Is it okay to drink it when your not sick? Hmm I wonder. B took a half day off of work to come home so I could go to bed and rest. It's so nice to be in bed with my laptop watching HGTV, drinking my TheraFlu with a hot pack on my back. Although I hear B and baby downstairs and her little babbly voice and I sort of want to go down there and play. I'm such a dork.

* My new favorite show is The Real Housewives of NYC. I love that show. It totally feeds into my secret desire of being a New York socialite. Which explains why I keep looking for jobs on Monsterdotcome in Manhattan.

* I took baby out in the stroller for the very first time yesterday. We went shopping together :-) She mostly slept in her stroller but I felt like a real mom out in public with her baby. A real mom. Me. Some imes I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Little Lil'

She turned 6 weeks old yesterday and already she's changed so much. She's starting to recognize me now and when I kiss her neck and face she starts to laugh. Not a big belly laugh but she opens her mouth big and wide like she wants to but nothing comes out just yet. She's starting to sleep for longer stretches. Last night she went 5 hours in a row which is a big milestone for her. I wish that translated into me getting more sleep but it hasn't yet. I still wake up just a few minutes before she does. No matter where she is in the house and even if I'm not within ear shot I still wake up just before she does. I guess we're still in sync. She hates it when her feet get caught in her onesie so I went and bought her some more outfits today that don't have feet in them. It seems like she likes these better. She definitely still dislikes her baths and is not too found of diaper or clothes changes. She is making progess with the diaper change and doesn't cry every time we change her but almost. She sleeps so still sometimes that I still have to check to make sure she's breathing. I know she's tired when she stares off into space for a few minutes. Then sometimes after she finally closes her little eyes she'll laugh. It is the sweetest little sound I've ever heard. My mother in law says that she thinks that's when they talk to the angels. I like that idea alot. Maybe my grandma is tickling her nose and that's what makes her laugh. Me and B have a zillion little nicknames for her. Here are a few:
1. Matso (serbian for little one)
2. Baybo (serbian for baby)
3. Angel pie
4. Liljo
5. LD
6. Lil' Jana (her given name is Liljana so Lil' Jana is her rapper name)

She loves her bouncy chair although I feel guilty if she sits in for too long. She also loves being swaddled in her moby wrap. Falling asleep on her dad's chest is also one of her favorite things. She has the most wonderful baby smell (even when she hasn't had a bath in over a week). I kiss her cheeks constantly. They are getting so nice and chubby. Her little leggies are fattening up too. I can't wait until she's full of little fat rolls. She has a love hate relationship with her nuk. She constantly wants it and spits it out at the same time.

I think she's awake now. More later.

The things I miss

There is a certain amount of guilt that comes along with admitting that you sort of miss things from you pre-baby life. Especially if, like me, you've been trying to have a baby for three years. I feel ungrateful if I even have thoughts about what life was like when I could leave the house and meet a friend for a drink last minute. But sometimes I do have those thoughts. I am only human right? Our life is so vastly different than it was only a few months ago. I do miss B and I going out together and the carefree lifestyle we use to have. The hard part is that we don't really have any one to help us with our daughter. My mother has MS and isn't able to watch her alone. B's family lives out of state which was something I use to cherish but now..not so much. My sister can help on occasion but I'm not sure how much I should ask her and I always feel awkward calling her and asking her to watch Lily. Tomorrow evenining she is going to watch Lily for a bit. I'm going to meet B after work and we're going to have dinner and drinks at our favorite place. Is it bad that I'm counting down the hours? It's hard being alone all day. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm depressed. It's the dead of winter here in Minnesota and it's cold and the days are long and dark. I know most women reading this blog don't need me to say this but I do just to make sure it's clear: I love her so much. I love everything about her. This doesn't have anything to do with her. I'm going to be a wonderful mother to her. I promise. But this part is sort of hard. I wonder all day long why I'm not one of those mom's that can't wait for the next poopy diaper. What's wrong with me? I really thought I'd be much better at this. If I could just get some sleep then I'm sure things would be much better. I think I'm going to try a new sleeping plan. Maybe if I go to bed at 8 or 8:30. Then B feeds her before he brings her to bed and then I do the late night feedings. This would give me a good 4+ hour stretch before the first feeding. Maybe that would help. Since B doesn't usually get home until 6 that doesn't give us much time together but I gotta do what I gotta do. Now the big question is can I fall asleep at 8:00 like a third grader? Oh well, it's worth a try.

Better - still pumping

When I get some sleep I actually feel like a normal person. My heart fills with love for my daughter and I get giddy when I hold her and kiss her little feet. All the joy of those early weeks with her return and I feel like myself again. Thoughts of my husband leaving me start to fade into the background (although he did threaten to leave me if I stop breastfeeding due to child endangerment - I think he was kidding though not sure) and are replaced by happy family thoughts once again. Friday was a rough day. Lily wouldn't stop crying for some unknown reason although I may have had too much coffee that day trying to force myself to have enough energy to care for her. My mom came over and tried to help with dishes and bottles and holding her. It did help but I still felt like a big mess. We had friends coming over for dinner that night that I ended up calling and canceling which I never do. I smoked about four cigarettes which ended my breastfeeding for the day and drank a bunch of wine (like three glasses although wanted much more). I did numb myself out enough to get a good night of sleep. B was nice enough to take over the night time feedings to let me sleep. Although I do have to say that the time it takes him to heat the bottle and feed her seems like an excruciatingly long amount of time. He gets the burp cloth positioned symetrically on his shoulder,, straightens out the blanket she's in, does some neck stretch excercises and then proceeds to put the bottle in her mouth. All the while she's whailing away. I can't stand the crying, possibly because I listen to it most of the day and when he comes home from work he's sort of unfazed by it and it doesn't bother him.

Saturday I awoke fully rested. Threw the pack of cigarettes away. I quit smoking about a year and half ago so not sure why I felt compelled to run out and buy a pack on Friday. It's amazing after all this time how one cigarette can make it seem like you never even quit. B encouraged me to make plans on Saturday and enjoy my afternoon. So I did. I had lunch at Old Country Buffet (not my choice but my Aunt's birthday lunch choice) where I possibly may have contracted either TB or Bird Flu. After lunch, I went to purchase the Moby Wrap, http://www.mobywrap.com/ thinking that what me and baby really need is to be tied together all day and then that will solve all of our problems. Afterall the babies on the website sure look peaceful and happy. Then I went to Aveda and bought some hair products. Sometimes just purchasing hair products can make you feel better even if you have no real need to actually do your hair. Works the same with lotion. Then I paid a visit to my friends Kim and Fred and had some wine with them until about 5:30 and then headed home. I called B on the way home thinking he'd ask me about my afternoon. Instead he asked me how production was going to be affected since I hadn't pumped in 6 hours. I was completely irritated and dreaded going home. I felt deflated. We ended up arguing most of Saturday evening. I ended the argument with saying "why don't you look at how stress affects production". I may have called him an asshole at this point but I can't remember.

Long story short he apologized alleging that he was just asking a question out of curiosity not judgment (yeah right). I'm still pumping although I've cut down to 5 times a day from 7 and so far it seems more manageable. So far. We'll just see how this goes. I'm not making any promises but I'm plugging along.

Exhausted

Shortly after my daughter was born I went through a period of euphoria. That lasted for about three solid weeks. I was euphoric that I survived infertility and managed to birth a healthy and beautiful baby girl. Euphoric that the long 40 weeks were over and all the worries about if she would be healthy were past. Then my husband went back to work and I was alone every day with my breast pump. Now at 5 weeks I find myself in the depths of the baby blues. I feel guilty for feeling blue because I love and adore her so much and I feel guilty for feeling sad on days like this. Why am I sad? I have no idea. I'm exhausted. I hate my breast pump. I sort of feel like I want to quit breast feeding and I feel guilty about having those thoughts. Does that mean that I'm a bad mother if I quit breast feeding? I'm so so so so tired. I can't seem to manage to get myself back to sleep after my daughter wakes up for her second feeding between 3:30 and 5:00 a.m. I've struggled with insominia on and off for most of my life. I took Ambien the other night because my lactation nurse said that it was safe for breast feeding (better than unisom) but I pumped and dumped for one day just to be safe. My husband is putting a lot of pressure on me to continue breast feeding our daughter and I just feel like I'm letting him down. I never got her to latch so I'm forced to pump. It's time consuming and exhausting beyond words. I want this precious time when my daughter is an infant to be filled with good memories and happy days. But instead I'm so tired and miserable most of the day that I cannot enjoy this time at all. So which is more important? My breast milk or having a mother rested and fully present in her little life? I told my husband today that I plan on taking a break for a few days from pumping to get some rest and figure out what I want to do going forward. He didn't sound very happy about that decision. I'm really torn. Torn between taking care of myself and our daughter by getting much needed rest and giving her formula and breast feeding her. Maybe I'm just a wimp.

Anyone out there with any advice?

The pump and dump

I'm an idiot. A big fat idiot similar to Rush Limbaugh. Last night in a desperate effort to sleep I took Unisom. Unisom is safe during pregnancy and I took it from time to time when I was pregnant so I assumed it was safe for breastfeeding. Turns out, not so much. So I'm pumping and dumping for the next two days thanks to the relatively long half life of unisom. There is nothing worse than seeing your hard earned and pumped milk be poured out and whisked down the drain. Ugh. Well, of course there are worse things but I'm just pissed that I didn't research this more before taking it last night. I did get a great night of sleep so that's one good thing. I resorted to sleeping in the spare bedroom. Lily likes to make all sorts of grunting and groaning noises that are sweet and adorable little baby noises but I'm a light sleeper and I keep waking up. So I left B and Lily and slept in the other room. I could still hear her and did wake up for the feedings but I was able to sleep soundly between them which was a very nice bonus.

Tonight B is at a happy hour with co-workers. I wanted to make him feel guilty about not coming straight home after work but I didn't have the heart. He's been so wonderful and amazing that I actually want him to go out and have some fun. It must be true love :-) Tomorrow night I'm going to a bachelorette sort of party thing and he was so supportive of me getting out that I didn't have the heart to make him feel guilty about going out after work.

On a positive note: since I'm on a mandatory pump and dump for the next 48 hours I think I'll enjoy several wonderful glasses of Pinot Noir.

Wow this is hard

I'm not sure what happened to my quiet, peaceful little bundle of joy but yesterday she turned into a different baby. She pretty much cried from morning until night. I pretty much cried from morning until night too. I hated seeing her so upset and me not knowing what was wrong or what to do. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I didn't know if she was in pain or what the problem was but nothing soothed her. I haven't slept much the past two nights and I'm sure that's not helping the situation. B going back to work on Tuesday hasn't helped either. Everything worked perfectly the past three weeks with him at home. I actually thought I was pretty good at the mom thing, maybe even a natural. But he's only been at work for two days and I'm falling apart. The days are long. It's hard to find the time to pump, wash the bottles and feed her when she's crying hysterically. I feel like I'm at a stand still with the breastfeeding situation. I don't know how to make her go to the breast full time. She will go there and latch on and sit there and suck for almost one hour sometimes and then she's hungry at the end of it. So I don't know if I should just put her back on the breast, give her a bottle or what to do. I'm not sure how much she gets when she goes there but when I pump afterwards I get about 3 oz. so it seems like she didn't get much of anything. It's all very stressful. I didn't think it would be this stressful or this hard. Stupid me.

My good friend H came over yesterday when I was in crisis and set up my bouncy chair. So far it seems like a life saver. She loves sitting in it. In fact, she's sleeping in it right now. I'm not sure if it was gas yesterday or what but there's nothing worse than seeing your child crying and not knowing what to do. I felt so helpless.

Let's hope this gets easier or I get better at it or I get some sleep. I'll take any one of the three.

New Mom - Day 19

I don't think there is a greater joy on earth than watching American Idol with Lily sleeping in the pack and play next to me - while I sip a glass of wine. She makes all these little wimper sounds that make it seem like she's going to cry but she doesn't. It makes me wonder if she's a happy baby or if she's wimpering over the fact that it takes me so long to warm up her bottle and that by the time I get it to her she's downloaded into panic and wails and screams until it's finally ready and she gets to eat. If she hadn't rejected my breast on day 1 then I wouldn't have had to resort to pump and refridgerate and reheat. Then she smiles and laughs and makes all these giggly noises so I must be doing something right. Man, this girl loves to eat. Loves to eat.

I'll have to write more later - she's starting to wake up and the pump. refridgerate. reheat cycle is about to begin again.

It's amazing how having a baby disrupts even the most tedious of routines. My day pre-baby use to begin with reading the newspaper for about a good hour and a half. I'd read the paper, watch the Today Show, drink my coffee and slowly begin my day. My day would end with me watching/falling asleep to Sex and the City at around 10 or 10:30. I'd sleep for my usual 7 to 8 hours and begin the next day all over again pretty much the same way. I have yet to read the newspaper or watch an episode of Sex and the City...since baby. Now my days and nights are pretty much meshed together. I try to get about 2.5 hours of sleep at a time. I'm up around 1ish and then again around 3ish and 6ish. I usually go back to bed after the 6/7ish feeding and sleep until about 9. That extra 1.5 hours seems to be the dividing line between functional and non-functional. Last night I handed Lily off to my husband to feed her and went upstairs to watch Sex and the City. I laid my head down at 9:55 and didn't wake up until 1:00 when he brought her upstairs and laid her in her crib next to me. One of these days I'll get to watch it again. I'm not missing much since I've seen every episode a half dozen times and I'd much rather be watching her anyway than a TV show...she's much more entertaining.

My husband started back to work today. It has been so great having him home to help. I wish he could stay home with me the entire three months but that isn't financially possible for us. I'm thankful he got to be off work for almost three weeks especially since I had to have a C-section. My mom came over today in the afternoon and my friend Jocelyn stopped by in the morning for awhile. It's nice to have friends/family stop over during the day - it helps break the day up and make it go faster until B gets home from work.

Time for another feeding. More later.